Bionic hearing!!

[RYDMOTO]

I think the solution here is to go down in the basement,open up the furnace return air door,you know,where the filter goes and let'r res-own-ate!....kinda like surround sound!.....ELK!!! now I hear it all over the house!!!!! NOOOOO....hunnnnnnnn.....I think its time to talk to the nice doctor : ))))))

 

[70 marlin]

The dog excuse has saved me many times! that poor dog always get put out side. I should buy her a new chew bone!

 

[KWJams]

Barking Tree Spiders!

Used to get all the blame around here,,can't get anyone to believe me anymore that they really exist. :whiner:

A long time ago, this wise old man told me -- after he ripped a monster that rattled the neighbors windows--- :eek:
"Feels great to be alive" he said.
Alive--? It smells like something is dead I barely gasped!
Sure, he said, a good healthy ripper like that just lets you know that you are still alive, dead men can't fart--they bloat! :think:

Changed my perspective on life. :)

 

[a454elk]

We've been married 6 years now and I think I'm unappreciated. It's definately a hidden talent. I've let the hostages out at the intake for our air system, WHEN IT WAS ON. That made it possible to not find a single place in the house that was safe! I've been a memeber of the Fartland Spodes for a while!!

 

[holeshot]

Bionic trouble

.
Smelk, be thankful she doesn't have a Bionic Brain, that can calculate how much money you have down to the exact penny. Then you'd be in real trouble. :debil:

 

[BadgerMan]

Originally posted by a454elk
We've been married 6 years now and I think I'm unappreciated. It's definately a hidden talent.



Your suppression tactics and attempts at concealment are what are annoying Mrs. Elk.

You have to learn to project your god given talent with a high degree of confidence, authority, and even soul. Be proud of your giftedness.

If you need some assistance, try eating a cup of dried apricots! Oh, and stay away from open flames!

LMAO!

 

[Rooster]

Public Flatulence

:o

Location: Taco Johns
Time: 12:15 PM
Scenario: Fully packed house, and a long line at the counter
Ingredients: Hard plastic booth seats, refried beans and taco meat
The incident: I felt something gurgle down low, and kinda chuckled thinking "wow, that's a fast reaction". Gurgle became unretainable pressure, so I think, lean over on one cheek and let it slip out nice and easy, nobody to notice, maybe my friends at my table. WRONG!!! the combination of the excess pressure, the hard plastic seat and the wall managed to amplify a blaster that was already of monster magnitude to epic proprtions. It resonated and echoed throughout the entire restaurant. The entire place just went nuts! Hans was choking on his burrito, Steph was covered with whatever was in Michelle's mouth at the time, I was borderline passed out from lack of oxygen, and the rest of the place was in tears from laughing. The rest is pretty much a blur, as I think I may have gotten a touch of methane poisoning

 

[JPIVEY]

The dog excuse

Last night after working on my bike, I go in, get cleaned up and head for bed., As I pull the covers back I hear this BBBBRRRAAAP, she lets one go, so I grab my smokes and hauled a$$ out of there. About 15 mins later I go back in and again BBBBBBRRRRRRRAAAAPPPPP, this time I just busted out laughing and so did my wife who wasn't sleeping after all., One of our two pugs was sleeping under the covers next to her butt and was snoring his brains out.

Well thats her story and she's sticking to it :eek:

 

[a454elk]

ROTFLMAO!!:) Badger, I tried that and I got the stink eye, no punn intended!! Lettin go of a blaster on a plastic seat is a dead giveaway for sure, sounds like a snare drum!!

Hole, if she really knew I was worth only $2.50, she'd be gone yesterday!!!

 

[Ol'89r]

Smelk. Ha, good one holeshot. :)

Mrs. Ol'89r and I had this cat once that had this little routine. She would sleep between Mrs. Ol'89r and I when we were sitting on the couch watching tv.

We would be sitting there and the cat would awaken from a sound sleep, look up with a funny look on her face, look at me and then over to Mrs.Ol' and then leave the room. About a minute later, a horrendous stench would fill the air. The cat did this every time it rip'd one and it got to be pretty predictable.

I soon found that I could use this to my advantage. If I felt the need, when Mrs.Ol'89r wasn't looking I would elbow the cat out of her sound sleep, she would wake up and look at me and then over at my wife and then leave the room.

About a minute later my wife would say, PHHHHHHEEEEWWWWWWW, she did it again.

I would look over and smile and say, yea what are you feeding that cat anyway? :D

 

[Lorin]

Did someone say POT ROAST??? Brian, Justin, where are you?

 

[JWW]

The Scent of An Old Woman
A haggard old lady is riding in a posh hotel's elevator. On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on, smelling divine. She arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce."
On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on, smelling lovely as well. She turns to the two other women and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce."

The old lady's floor is approaching and as the doors open, she looks at the two young ladies, bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."

 

[BadgerMan]

Have any of youz guys heard the bit that is played on The Bob and Tom Show about the Fart Museum? Man I wish I had a .wav file of that. I darn near fall out of my chair every time I hear it! ROTFLMAO!

 

[Rooster]

I think you can buy it on disc on their website. I couldn't find a wave file for it though.

 

[BadgerMan]

Hey, I’ll have to search the Music City site for an MP3 file. I was able to score a copy of the Davinci’s Notebook “hit single” from MusicCity.com! I got an “enormous” chuckle out of that one too!

 

[a454elk]

Stinkin farts! I don't know about you but diarhea runs in MY family!

 

[ktmboy]

Diarhea RUNS in your family? After last night, I hope it runs away!
I think I ate something bad. 'Nuff said!

 

[a454elk]

Nice location Lizard boy!

 

[Fred T]

Badger
There is supposed to be a website dedicated to farting. fart.com or something. My sister told me about it. They have an wav file every day called "Fart of the day" Do a web search. I think my sister is amember or something. I'm not the only wierd on in the family.

 

[BadgerMan]

Hey buddy!

I was actually able to find an MP3 of “The Fart Museum” at AudioGalaxy. What a hoot! And, since were on the subject………..I was also able to find a copy of the “Shat’s Beer” commercial!

Yeah, I know I’m warped!

BTW, have a great time at the SX. The rest of my family had other plans so I’m going fishing………again!

 

[Rooster]

ooooh, liquid farts are bad.

"Hey, dad, are farts supposed to be warm and wet?"
"No, son, you probably just crapped your pants" :)
"Go get your mother"