Tony Eeds

Godspeed Tony.
N. Texas SP
Jun 9, 2002
9,535
0
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About two hours." The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About three hours." The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where
does that guy go when he leaves?" Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."
 

Okiewan

Admin
Dec 31, 1969
29,555
2,237
Texas
Lol!!!
 

allthingsdirt

Member
Jun 6, 2007
94
0
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh... she got fired too."

:rotfl:
 

Cabot

Member
Sep 3, 2007
158
0
haha

One time their was this football team, and Bill was the coach. Bill's quarter back, Bubba, was very good with the ladies. So one day Bill asked Bubba why all the girls love him. Bubba responded that before he makes love to the ladies, he always pounds his 'pickle' on the dresser. Bubba said this makes it numb, so he can go all day long, satisfying the ladies' every need.

Bill got home late that night, and his wife was waiting in bed. He took his 'pickle' out and "thump, thump, thump" on the dresser. From the next room down his wife calls "is that you Bubba?"

:laugh: :eek:
 

J-man

Member
May 16, 2007
237
0
A women went to visit her 95 year old grandma after her grandpa just died. When she gets there she askes her grandmother how her grandfather died she said "when we were making love on sunday morning he had a heart attack" The women was suprised so she asked why they were doing that at such a old age. the grandma responded "Well we found that on sundays after church was a ferfect time and perfect melody. In on the ding out on the dong. Then she says "he would still be alive to day if that darn ice cream truck diden't drive by.
 

BSWIFT

Sponsoring Member
N. Texas SP
LIFETIME SPONSOR
Nov 25, 1999
7,926
43
"My dad moved me and my mom to three different states, we still had the same mail man!" Rodney Dangerfield
 

IndyMX

Crash Test Dummy
~SPONSOR~
Jul 18, 2006
5,548
2
Amo, IN
Two blonde ladies at a bus stop: The first asks: "Which bus will you take?"
The second says "the five, and you?"
The first one: "the seven."
After 5 minutes comes the seventy five.
The one blonde to the other: "Now we can ride together."
 

IndyMX

Crash Test Dummy
~SPONSOR~
Jul 18, 2006
5,548
2
Amo, IN
A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!" So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please." The agent says, "Yes, ma'am," the he grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river.

A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on his cruise?"

The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."
 

XMotoX

Member
Oct 23, 2006
135
0
There was a captain on a battleship full of soldiers and his assistant. One day his assistant runs up to the captain and says, "Sir, there is an enemy ship on the horizon!" The captain says to the assistant, "Bring me my red shirt."

So, the assistant brings him his red shirt and a battle ensues. The men fight all day and all night and never lose a man. The assistant asks the captain later, "Sir, I have to ask, why did you want me to bring you a red shirt?" The captain replies, "If I was wounded in battle, my men would not see me bleed and would continue to fight on." The assistant in impressed and walks away.

The next day, the assistant runs up to the captain and says, "Sir, there are 20 enemy ships on the horizon!" The captain replies, "Bring me my brown pants."

:laugh:
 

mafols

Sponsoring Member
Nov 24, 2001
269
1
Bill comes home from work and immediately drops down on the sofa and shouts "honey, quick , get me a beer before it starts". She looks at him wondering and brings him a beer.

Ten minutes later Bill shouts again " honey, hurry hurry,get me another beer before it starts". A bit agitated she reluctantly brings him another.

Ten minutes later, once again " honey, quick, get me another one before it starts". Having had all she could stand...she tore into him..." you have allot of nerve, you come home from work and plop yourself on the sofa without even telling me hello...I've been cleaning this house all day...I've been slaving over the stove to cook your dinner...."

Bill: Oh $h*t...it started.... :)
 

mojonito

Member
Aug 24, 2005
195
1
what did the elephant say to the naked man?

how can you breathe through that thing?
 

Rooster

Today's Tom Sawyer
Damn Yankees
LIFETIME SPONSOR
Aug 24, 2000
3,300
1
Grampa was sitting with his grandson out in the front yard when a worm came up from the ground. Grampa says to his grandson "I'll give you ten dollars if you can stick that worm back in it's hole in the ground" The grandson scratches his head, runs in the house with the worm, comes back out and stuffs it right back in the hole, no problem. Grampa is floored by this feat, and digs a ten spot out of his billfold and hands it over to his grandson. Then he asks "how on earth did you do that?" Grandson says "I used hairspray to keep the worm straight"

An hour later, Grampa comes out of the house and hands his grandson a ten dollar bill. His grandson says "Gramps, you already paid me!" Grampa says "yeah, I know, that's from your Gramma"
 

OldTimer

Member
Feb 3, 2005
475
0
A blonde haired coed comes home one afternoon and informs her brunette roommate that she's had a fender bender with the car which they share. "What should I do?", she asks the brunette. "Call a mechanic and ask him how to take care of it silly", she replies. The smug mechanic tells the blonde to blow into the exhaust pipe to pop all the dents out of it. "Okay!", she says, and immediately heads down to the garage and starts to work on the exhaust pipe. The brunette peeks in and sees the blonde huffing and puffing on the car's exhaust pipe. Shaking her head in disbelief, she yells down to the blonde haired girl "You dumb blonde, that's never going to work!" "Why not?" asks the blonde. "Because... you have to roll the windows up first!" :laugh:
 

OldTimer

Member
Feb 3, 2005
475
0
Toward the end of jump school a young private is sitting in his barracks telling his buddy about his first parachute experience in a real airplane.
He tells his buddy: "So we get up to ten thousand feet and the green light comes on. Everybody starts out the door one at a time. I freeze. There's just no way I can do it!
Then sarge comes up and tells me that if I don't go out that door, he's going to bend me over and load me up like a shotgun!"
His buddy replies: "Well, did you jump?"
The private answers: "Yeah, a little at first" :laugh: :laugh:
 

BadgerMan

Mi. Trail Riders
Jan 1, 2001
2,479
10
mojonito said:
what did the elephant say to the naked man?

how can you breathe through that thing?

You missed the part about the dinner party and the potato........never mind :whoa:
 

Shaw520

Damn Yankees
LIFETIME SPONSOR
May 14, 2000
1,082
6
Blonde

Blonde takes her car to the garage cause it wasnt running right, mechanic takes the car in,.. few minutes later he brings the car out and says "all fixed lady",... blonde says 'oh thank you,.. what was the problem?" ,.. mechanic says.. "just crap in the carburator", blonde says.. " how often should I do that?"
 
Last edited:

IndyMX

Crash Test Dummy
~SPONSOR~
Jul 18, 2006
5,548
2
Amo, IN
A guy is forced to live in a remote Eskimo village but is having trouble interacting with the villagers. Finally he corners one of them and asks why they won't talk to him.

The villager responds that he has not been initiated as a man. He ask's what do I have to do?
The villager says, first you have to drink 2 bottles of Russian Vodka, then you have to go into a cave and kill a polar bear with your bare hands, then to seal your induction into manhood you have to make love for 10 hours straight with one of our women.

The man says he will do it. That night there's a big party to initiate the stranger. Everyone sits around the fire and they pass him a bottle of Vodka. He down's about half without much trouble, bet the second half is much more difficult. Finally he finishes it, and they pass him another. He finally manages to finish off the second bottle and the crowd claps and sings. Then he tried to get up but fell over drunk.

The chief picks him up and points him in the direction of the polar bear cave. He staggers over and climbs in. Suddenly there's a huge commotion from within the cave. Bears growling and him screaming and wailing in pain.

Half an hour later he stumbles out of the cave, Torn to shreds, bloodied, and half dead. He turns to the crowd and drunkenly says, Okeee now where's the woman I gotta kill?
 

BadgerMan

Mi. Trail Riders
Jan 1, 2001
2,479
10
This one's timely since deer season opens on Thursday:

The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast all bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed and then I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long!" :ohmy:
 

XMotoX

Member
Oct 23, 2006
135
0
One day, Joe and Moe, who were always good friends, got a call from the police. The officer told them that their other good friend, Bubba, was in a house fire and had been burned to death. He said that he needed them to come down see if they could identify the body, because it was burned pretty badly and they couldn't be sure.

So, Joe and Moe head down to what was left of Bubba's house and walk inside. The officer tells them to go in one at a time and see if they recognize the body. So, Joe walks in the room and immediately looks at the officer and say, "Nope. That ain't Bubba." The officer says, "Are you absolutely sure?" Joe shakes his head, "Yup. That ain't Bubba."

So then Moe is called in. As soon as Moe steps in the room he says, "Nope. That ain't Bubba." The officer asks again, "You are sure?" Moe replies, "Yeah, that can't be Bubba."

The officer stops Joe and Moe before they can leave and asks, "How were you guys so sure that this wasn't your friend, so quickly?"

Joe says, "Thats easy. Bubba had two assholes."

The officer says, "What? How do you know that?"

Moe says, "Well, cause every time we would go walking down the street with him, people would say 'There goes Bubba with them two assholes!'"
 

JD_MXRacer

Member
Nov 27, 2006
411
0
An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smarta** jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "You can write with your other hand."
 

Rooster

Today's Tom Sawyer
Damn Yankees
LIFETIME SPONSOR
Aug 24, 2000
3,300
1
Well, as long as we are being "risque" in this thread, here goes...

Two good ole boys from Iowa (Bubba and Biz) were driving down the county road when they noticed a sheep with it's head stuck in a fence. Opportunity knocks, you answer the door! So, they pull over and Bubba takes his turn at the sheep. He gets 'er done, and Biz steps up for his turn.

Bubba steps off to the side of the road and sees a truck from Minnesota rolling up. Bubba jumps out in the road and waves his arms, flagging the Minnesotan to the side. Bubba points over to the sheep stuck in the fence and says "hey there brotha from the north, you want some of this action?"

The Minnesotan says "oh yeah! I want me some of that!" He runs over and sticks his head in the fence.

Disclaimer: There were no Minnesotan's injured in the telling of this joke. ;)
 
Top Bottom