Aries: (March 21—April 19)
Your life will be lauded by parents' groups for containing no sex, drugs, profanity, violence, or adult situations.
Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
Though he appreciates the extra money, the ice-cream man is starting to get a little freaked out by the way you follow him around all the time.
Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
Your biggest weakness is not, as you believe, your lack of self-confidence. It's the two-inch soft spot in your aorta.
Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
You think you're embroiled in an unprecedented scandal, but you forgot that Catherine The Great, Fatty Arbuckle, and Marv Albert all came before you.
Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
You discover exactly what it means to owe the Mafia a favor when you find yourself forced to mow a lot of shady characters' lawns.
Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Destiny has decided that you are a weak and unworthy vessel for its purposes. Starting next week, you'll be replaced with Robert Vaughn.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
Your fears of becoming a trendy but bland person deepen when you are featured on page 77 of the IKEA catalog.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
A tragic but not life-altering accident will be all the excuse you need to get menacing hooks where your ring and pinky fingers once were.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Your trick of using numbers related to Andrew Jackson's presidency and a right triangle to remember the digits of the mathematical constant e is both effective and the geekiest thing ever.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
Your dream wedding hits an unexpected snag when you fail to obtain the rights to Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train."
Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
After a long investigation, experts will conclude it's a miracle that no one was hurt but you and the camel-rental guy.
Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
Your life story is the kind of thing people pay good money to see, which isn't good when you think about what bloodthirsty *******s people are.
:confused: :)
Your life will be lauded by parents' groups for containing no sex, drugs, profanity, violence, or adult situations.
Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
Though he appreciates the extra money, the ice-cream man is starting to get a little freaked out by the way you follow him around all the time.
Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
Your biggest weakness is not, as you believe, your lack of self-confidence. It's the two-inch soft spot in your aorta.
Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
You think you're embroiled in an unprecedented scandal, but you forgot that Catherine The Great, Fatty Arbuckle, and Marv Albert all came before you.
Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
You discover exactly what it means to owe the Mafia a favor when you find yourself forced to mow a lot of shady characters' lawns.
Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Destiny has decided that you are a weak and unworthy vessel for its purposes. Starting next week, you'll be replaced with Robert Vaughn.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
Your fears of becoming a trendy but bland person deepen when you are featured on page 77 of the IKEA catalog.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
A tragic but not life-altering accident will be all the excuse you need to get menacing hooks where your ring and pinky fingers once were.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Your trick of using numbers related to Andrew Jackson's presidency and a right triangle to remember the digits of the mathematical constant e is both effective and the geekiest thing ever.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
Your dream wedding hits an unexpected snag when you fail to obtain the rights to Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train."
Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
After a long investigation, experts will conclude it's a miracle that no one was hurt but you and the camel-rental guy.
Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
Your life story is the kind of thing people pay good money to see, which isn't good when you think about what bloodthirsty *******s people are.
:confused: :)