bsmith

Wise master of the mistic
LIFETIME SPONSOR
Jun 28, 2001
1,782
0
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
intellectual
leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not
Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman
who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas
canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the
police line, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B?
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced
him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the
kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in
the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store
clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up
and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT?
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't
control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the
lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man
shouted, "that's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!""Is this her first child?" the
doctor asked. "No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!".

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold
up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger
to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his
pocket. (Hello!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabelle, located in the high desert, an hour east
of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a
problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22
ft going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much
power was applied. After about an
hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking
someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check
revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the
outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one
of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up
choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER, THIS IS TRUE! Under
the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
Does anyone else find it frightening that the majority of these took place
in California?
 


GETMETOCA

Can't Wait For Tuesdays
Mar 17, 2002
4,768
0
Being from California and particularly Modesto (#7) I'm feeling kinda embarassed right now......
 

a454elk

Mexicutioner
LIFETIME SPONSOR
Jun 5, 2001
7,538
18
Nothing to be embarassed about! It's like shootin fish in a barrel for me!:p Job security
 

bsmith

Wise master of the mistic
LIFETIME SPONSOR
Jun 28, 2001
1,782
0
I don't want you cali folks feeling bad, so in good faith here is the winner of the Darwin award for 97. For those of you who don't know, the Darwin awards are given out annually for events that do the most to cleanse the gene pool of those characteristics undesirable in the human race, most notably stupidity.

Police in George, WA issued a report on the events leading up to the deaths of Robert Uhlenake (24) and his friend, Ormond D. Young (27) at the Metallica concert last Friday. Uhlenake and Young were found dead at the Gorge Amphitheater after the show. Uhlenake was in pickup that was on top of Young at the bottom of a 20 ft drop. Young was found with severe lacerations, numerous fractures, contusions, and a branch in his anal cavity. He also had been stabbed and his pants were in a tree above him, some 15 ft off the ground; adding to the mystery of the heretofore unexplained scene.

According to Commissioner-In-Charge Inoye Appleton, Uhlenake and Young had tried to get tickets for the sold-out concert. When they were unable to get any tickets, the two decided to stay in the lot and drink. Once the show began, and after the two had consumed 18 beers between the two of them, they hit upon the idea of scaling the 7 foot wooden security fence around the perimeter of the site and sneak in. They apparently moved the truck up to the edge of the fence and decided that Young would go over first and assist Uhlenake later. They had not counted on the fact that while it was a 7 foot fence on the parking lot side, there was a 23 foot drop on the other side.

Young, who weighed 255 lbs and was quite inebriated, had jumped up and over the fence and promptly fell about half the 23 foot distance before a large tree branch broke his fall AND his left forearm; unfortunately, he also managed to get his shorts caught on the branch. Since he was now in a lot of pain and with no way to extricate himself and his shorts from the tree, he decided, seeing bushes down below, to cut his shorts off and fall to the ground. Upon cutting the last bit of fabric from himself, he suddenly plummeted to earth, losing grip of the knife. The "soft" bushes were actually holly bushes and landing in them caused a massive number of cuts. He also had the misfortune of landing squarely on a holly **** branch; effectively impaling himself. The knife, which he had accidentally released 15 ft up, now landed and stabbed him in his left thigh. Apparently, he was in a lot of pain.

Enter his friend Robert. Uhlenake had apparently observed the last bit of this and, despite his inebriated state, realized that Young was in trouble. He hit upon the idea of lowering a rope to his friend and pull him up and over the fence. This was complicated by the fact that Uhlenake was outweighed by his friend by a good 100 lbs. Again, despite his state he realized he could use their truck to pull Young out. Unfortunately, because of his state, Uhlenake put the truck in reverse, rather than drive, broke through the fence, landed on Young (killing him), was thrown out of the truck and subsequently died of internal injuries.

"So that's how a dead 255 lb man with no pants on, with a truck on top of him and a stick up his ass came to be" said Commissioner Appleton. :uh: :scream: :uh:
 

bsmith

Wise master of the mistic
LIFETIME SPONSOR
Jun 28, 2001
1,782
0
:p

(20 May 1998, Louisiana) A respiratory patient in an oxygen tent at a New Orleans hospital sneaked a pack of cigarettes into his room. One morning in the quiet dawn, the sixty-one-year-old patient ignored the nurses’ lectures, ignored the warning signs, and surreptitiously lit his last cigarette.
In the presence of extra oxygen, even a small spark can ignite a flash fire. Before he could even draw a breath of nicotine, the cigarette set his clothes on fire and the flames began to spread. The man, afraid of being caught, tried to extinguish the blaze without sounding an alarm. A hospital employee walked by his room and noticed the man, standing in the midst of a conflagration, quietly trying to pat out the flames.

An orderly carried the patient into the hallway and extinguished his hospital gown with a blanket, while nurses used fire extinguishers to beat back the flames enough to reach the valve and turn off the oxygen supply. Twenty-one patients were evacuated, and seven others were treated for smoke inhalation.

The cause of the blaze was airlifted to the Baton Rouge burn unit with third-degree burns over forty percent of his body, where he died five days later. Was the patient cured of his addiction by his experience? Apparently not. A pack of Kool cigarettes and a lighter were found hidden in his sock at the burn unit.
 

JPIVEY

Sponsoring Member<br>Club Moderator
LIFETIME SPONSOR
Mar 9, 2001
3,180
0
Originally posted by bsmith

Does anyone else find it frightening that the majority of these took place
in California?

Not at all, I sound perfectly normal :moon:
 

70 marlin

Mi. Trail Riders
LIFETIME SPONSOR
Aug 15, 2000
2,963
2
bsmith: not really uncommon:<( happen once this year @ the hospital I work in. were all way's on the look out for smokers with O2 hanging around there neck!
 

Top Bottom