Okiewan

Admin
Dec 31, 1969
29,550
2,238
Texas
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q. What is your date of birth?
A. July 15th
Q. What year?
A. Every year.
---------------
Q. What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A. Gucci Sweats and Reeboks
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Q. This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A. Yes.
Q. And in what way does it affect your memory?
A. I forget.
Q. You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
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Q. How old is your son? The one living with you?
A. 38 or 35 I can't remember which.
Q. How long has he lived with you?
A. 45 years.
---------------
Q. What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A. He said where am I, Cathy?
Q. And why did that upset you?
A. My name is Susan.
---------------
Q. Do you know if your daughter has even been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A. We both do.
Q. Voodoo?
A. We do.
Q. You do?
A. Yes, Voodoo.
---------------
Q. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
---------------
Q. The youngest son, the twenty two year old, how old is he?
---------------
Q. Were you present when your picture was taken?
---------------
Q. So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. And what were you doing at that time?
---------------
Q. She had 3 children, right?
A. Yes
Q. How many were boys?
A. None
Q. Were there any girls?
---------------
Q. How was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
---------------
Q. Can you describe the individual?
A. He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q. Was this male, or a female?
---------------
Q. Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
---------------
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
---------------
Q. All your responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to?
A. Oral
---------------
Q. Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A. The autopsy started at around 8.30pm
Q. And Mr. Dennington was dead at that time?
A. No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
---------------
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine example?
---------------
Q. Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A. No
Q. Did you check for blood pressure?
A. No.
Q. Did you check for breathing?
A. No.
Q. So then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A. No
Q. How can you be sure, Doctor?
A. Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q. But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A. Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
 

XRpredator

AssClown SuperPowers
Damn Yankees
Aug 2, 2000
13,504
19
I laugh every time that thing makes the rounds . . .

Q. So then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A. No
Q. How can you be sure, Doctor?
A. Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q. But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A. Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
 

MXboy00

Member
Jul 3, 2003
41
0
WRFRK said:
Oh man, and these questions coming from people that are suppose to be very intelligent?

...AND highly paid (In most cases, anyway).

The Hit and Run Case

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"
:eek: :nener:
 

TwistNShout

Member
Nov 19, 2003
281
0
ROTFLMAO! These are great. I am a court reporter and this reminds me of a story where an attorney called for a short recess and came back with his fly wide open and the corner of his shirt sticking through the open barn door. :rotfl:
 

a454elk

Mexicutioner
LIFETIME SPONSOR
Jun 5, 2001
7,529
18
That's good stuff Boss!

Here's one to add to it.

Attorney: Officer, you say you saw my clients vehicle approach your location in your motorcycle's rear view mirror??

Officer: That's correct sir.

Attorney: So Officer, how far can you see in your rear view mirror?

Officer:: Well sir, I really don't know, but I did see the moon once.
 
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oldguy

Always Broken
Dec 26, 1999
9,411
0
There is also the one that goes

defense att: and how do you know my client was the one that fired the gun?

Officer: Because I was told by another officer at the scene.

Def att: and why do you believe him and not my client?

Officer: Because I know him to be truthfull and reliable.

def att: so you say you trust this other officer in all ways?

Oficer: Yes sir I would trust him with my life

def att: and do you trust all your fellow officers as much

officer: Yes sir I trust each member of my department equally.

def att: well then officer I believe you have a locker room here in your department which is shared by all members of your department?

officer:Yes

def att: well officer if each member of your department is so honest and trustworthy why are there padlocks on all the locker doors?

officer: well as you are well aware since you were in there the locks are because attorneys are also allowed to use the locker room
 
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