i'm divorced now

mx547 · Aug 15, 2006

after seventeen years of marriage. my wife filed for divorce in may (on my birthday, no less). it was finalized friday. she got custody of both children.

many of you know kendall, my oldest daughter. she had chosen to live with mom. i sued for custody of my younger daughter, kristin. since my wife filed, she had temporary custody. some things were said to the judge in private (some of them untrue) that led him to decide that my wife would get custody. my lawyer said that after that, the only way i could get custody was to prove abuse. i couldn't do that (at least not in the legal sense). i never even got to speak or call witnesses. i was so confident going into court. i had some great, credible witnesses-two teachers and one cop/minister. some of you that know me well, know that i am all about my children. i am so disillusioned with the justice system and i am disappointed, although not surprised, in the actions and misdeeds of the other side.

i pretty much depleted my life's savings over this and the outrageous child support amount they came up with is about $300 a month more than i have after bills. i'm going to race saturday. it may very well be my final race unless i can figure out a way to survive financially, much less emotionally.

there is much more to the story than i've posted. maybe i'll post more later. for now, go ride, love your kids, but don't let anything take you by surprise.

Okiewan · Aug 15, 2006

Damn Jay. I need some time to come up with something to say about all of this.. I don't hold out much hope to think of something to make you feel better (obviously). There's only so many words on a message board, but 17 years... damn. I do know that in talking with you about daughters and raising them, there can be no doubt (at least in my mind) you've got it together... I can't imagine what you've got to be going thru, all the best to ya brother.

Chili · Aug 15, 2006

Not sure there is anything I can say that would be of much comfort at this point Jay. I'm sorry to hear how this has transpired for you. I hope some others who have travelled this road will be able to help you at this time.

YZ165 · Aug 15, 2006

Real sorry to hear that Jay.....

rickyd · Aug 15, 2006

Best of luck and dont give up.. hang in there :ride:

Brian · Aug 15, 2006

Wow, sorry to hear that, Jay. Like others have said, not much anyone can say to make you feel better, but do know that you've got a lot of people on here you can count on if need be...
Best of luck with your situation

KiwiBird · Aug 15, 2006

Damn that sucks Jay, the money thing is numbers and can be dealt with but I feel for you on the custody issue. Get lots of exercise and sunlight as it's the medicine against depression. Minimise the desire to be a hermit. Do whatever it takes to keep riding. Keep talking and you'll get through it like so many of us here have.

Enjoy life - it's the best revenge you can have.

Mully · Aug 16, 2006

From the Been There / Done That file.

My Lawyer told me this as we walked out of court after mine.
"Mully, it may seem like you have nothing now, and she has it all. But just wait. Those roles will reverse in a few years."

8 years later..................

And I'll be danged if he isn't right. My "X" is up to her rather large cupcakes in debt and I only owe (besides my utilities) for my new dirt bike. Now she just recently filled her panties with a big steamy one because I told her I just filed to have my son emancipated. Reduction in child support. One down and now my daughter is going to move in with me so she can attend college. OH YEAH baby....The gravy train is coming to a stop and she doesn't like it. heh heh............. :p

The first year and a half or so, I worked a part time job to make ends meet. You can do this. We are here for you if you need anything.

Mully

Vic · Aug 16, 2006

I know this is of little consolation and you probably already know this, but, except in cases of abuse, the court almost always sides with the mother in custody cases.

I know it sounds trite and it certainly doesn't seem like it right now, but this is not the end of the world. It WILL get better.

In case you weren't already sure, you are about to find out who your real friends are.

squeaky · Aug 16, 2006

As others have said - there really are no words right now that will help make you feel better. Keep your chin up, and like Kiwi said, resist the urge to become a hermit. Don't let yourself go into a depression, it'll only make things worse.

Let Mully's story be an inspiration for you - hopefully you'll be able to travel down a similar road some day.

And you always know where to go when you need someone to vent to/talk to/lean on...the DRN Family will always be here for you.

biglou · Aug 16, 2006

Dang man. What can I say... I can't add anything that hasn't already been said. I know you've got quite a few awesome and true friends on here to lean on. So lean away when you need to.

JWW · Aug 16, 2006

I have also been there...sucks

A few things I have learned

1- Dont fight with her in front of the kids. Right or wrong you will look bad.

2- Call the kids often. I have called my son almost every other day since 1996. Even if its a 30 second call it feels good.

3- Dont buy their love on holidays and birthdays. I felt guilty a few years and tried to make up for with gifts.

4- Visit as often as you can. The hardest part will be biting your tongue when around the ex.

XRpredator · Aug 16, 2006

Sucks to no end, Jay.

I guess the only advice I can give is what was given to a guy here at work going thru it by one guy who'd been through the ringer 6 times:

"Keep the microwave"

MrLuckey · Aug 16, 2006

Very sorry to hear that Jay!

kmccune · Aug 16, 2006

I don't know what to say as I've never been there myself, just hang in there and don't give up.

OKKX'er · Aug 16, 2006

Did you have a lawyer of your own? I tried to get by cheap and not have one, but changed my mind in the nick of time and picked (luck) a great one.
Not being a smartass, but from the bottom the only way is up. Concentrate on what you do have, for example more free time to mtn bike. Talk to a lawyer, or a different lawyer, that support sounds unreasonable. Both people have to want the marriage to work, you dont want to be in one where they don't.
Once I got past constantly thinking of what I didn't have anymore, and started thinking of how I could change my life to more like what I wanted, things got better than they ever had been (over time). Best of luck, Jay.

oldguy · Aug 16, 2006

JWW said:
I have also been there...sucks

A few things I have learned

1- Dont fight with her in front of the kids. Right or wrong you will look bad.

2- Call the kids often. I have called my son almost every other day since 1996. Even if its a 30 second call it feels good.

3- Dont buy their love on holidays and birthdays. I felt guilty a few years and tried to make up for with gifts.

4- Visit as often as you can. The hardest part will be biting your tongue when around the ex.

excellant advice for preserving yourself in the eyes of your kids which at this point is a priority

Hang in there it will get harder for a while but eventually you will come around to a fuller life. Lean on your true friends (it will be obvious who they are real soon

nikki · Aug 16, 2006

After 17 years... man, I can't even imagine. But hang in there Jay, I'm sure it is overwhelming right now, but it will eventually get better. At least you have two wonderful daughters out of the whole deal, and that you'll have forever.

WaltCMoto · Aug 16, 2006

My heart goes out to ya Jay.
Always do right by the kids, they still need you.

mx547 · Aug 16, 2006

OKKX'er said:
Talk to a lawyer, or a different lawyer, that support sounds unreasonable.

in oklahoma, support is set by legislature. it's a set percentage of your gross income. i'm just expected to make do regardless of my bills. heck, i don't even have a truck or bike payment. i don't see how people do it.

KelvinKDX · Aug 16, 2006

WaltCMoto said:
My heart goes out to ya Jay.
Always do right by the kids, they still need you.

Jay,

This is so true ... the kids need you more than you know. I've seen a case (a daughter of a girl i've been dating) where the young girls father basically abandoned her after the divorce and it has really destroyed her. I often wonder, based on what has happened to her, how she will think of marriage and relationships when she grows up.

Keep active and remember that you've got a lot of friends pulling for you.

Green Horn · Aug 17, 2006

Yep, I agree with all the others. I've never been through it nor do I want to, but kids ALWAYS come FIRST! IMO there are just way too many f-ups that let kids take a backseat to their own pity/ pleasures/ whatevers...

dklink2000 · Aug 17, 2006

$300 more then your bringing in after bills! How did they come up with that number? I feel for ya man...that sucks!

BSWIFT · Aug 20, 2006

Jay, pm me your number. This sucks!

Thump · Aug 20, 2006

Jay, not much anyone can say right now. I am thnakful my divorce did not involve children. None the less, divorce was financially devestating for me. Had to sell everything (literally) to make ends meet. Things turned around for me and when I look back on it I could not have asked for a better outcome. I am sure the same will be said by you down the road. Keep your chin up. Divorce sucks but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Here is a little story I heard once:
A guy walks down the street and falls into a hole. The walls are too steep to climb out so he shouts up to a doctor walking by... Hey, can you help me I am down in this hole and I can't get out. The doctor writes a perscription and throws it down to him obviously doing him no good. So he shouts up to a priest walking by... Hey Father, can you help me I am down in this hole and I can't get out. The priest writes a prayer and throws it down to him obviously doing him no good. So then a friend walks by, so he shouts up, hey Joe, can you help me I am down in this hole and I can't get out. His buddy jumps down in the hole with him. He says are you crazy, now we are both down in this hole. His buddy looks at him and say, yeah, but I've been here before, and I know the way out.

Those of us that have been there know what you are going through and we'll jump in the hole with you.

i'm divorced now

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