friday humor

[JUSTRIDE415]

Speaking Women-ese


WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN:

CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
... without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
... you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

:moon: :whiner: :uh: three things i have to say about this

 

[biglou]

More Humor:

Osama At The Pearly Gates
After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.
"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.
Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.
James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He delivers a kick to Osama's knee.
Osama is subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.
As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurls him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.
As Osama awaits his journey to his final, hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"
An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

 

[JUSTRIDE415]

reversed

Men's English


"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.

"I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.

"I'm tired." = I'm tired.

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you." = Let's have sex now.

"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!

"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

and FINALLY... (while shopping) "I like that one better." = Just pick ANY dress and let's go home!


They have us all wrong "i like that one better"= that one shows more cleavage

:p

 

[Smitty]

" "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? "

My roommate is a girl I went to highschool with, and that is such a true statement. If I let every trauma (cat got out, mom called) and unbelievable chore (buying some groceries, taking back videos) tax me as much as she does I'd be dead. If you get home at 5:30 you have 4.5 hours before 10 to drive 4 miles roundtrip to Blockbuster instead of watching three reruns of friends or looking at another catalog!

Sorry been meaning to flame on that lately, but never found the right topic.

P.S. Can I say one more thing? Please don't play with the dog by blowing her face and making her lick at your face. Then turn around an hour later and get mad when she licks your face while your talking on the phone. DOGS DON'T READ MINDS.

:debil:

 

[LoriKTM]

Gee, with all the female-bashing going on in these boards lately, I'm not sure I should show my face here!

Oh well. Here goes...

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2
days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who
will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any...

True story... a female news anchor who, the day after it
was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the
weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches
you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the
crew did too they were laughing so hard!

 

[JUSTRIDE415]

i saw that it was hilarious we haven't had 8 inches combined so he needs to go back to weather school:debil:

 

[VintageDirt]

Originally posted by LoriKTM
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches
you promised me last night?"

I'm sitting here in room all by myself, and I honestly can not stop laughing. That is sooo funny!:)

 

[VintageDirt]

Still laughing over here...I'm not going to be able to function the rest of the day:) Do you think they would sell a copy of the tape? What station was it?

 

[nikki]

LMAO!!!! :confused: How embarrassing (and how funny)!!

 

[KiDX]

:) I bet he felt like a :moon:

 

[Trail Boss]

From Dennis Miller:

Wouldn't it be great if all of Ossama Bin Laden's money
was tied up in Enron stock? :)

 

[Senior KX Rider]

LMAO Very good Lori.:)

 

[Milquetoast]

If anyone can find a tape of that newscast, I'd pay good money. Hysterical!

 

[txvintage]

Time to dust off a classic.

DISCLAIMER NOTICE: This horoscope is unique from most horoscopes. It doesn't suggest any specific birth date, nor does it predict the future. The opinions expressed in this Horoscope are not those of anyone or anything. If you are offended by this material, go away, and don't tell your mommy about this stuff.

Scorpio (The scorpion): Scorpios are over competitive dirt bike riders that believe they are famous. They are anything but famous. Scorpios believe they are naturally exceptional riders. Their riding abilities are anything but exceptional. In reality, most Scorpios never compete further than the 125cc MX Novice class. They often run into, and injure, other riders during competitive events. Mini-riders are classic Scorpios. Many hard core Scorpios do not reach the age of 17. Their biological parents usually have them secretly abducted, then slain. The parents derive enormous psychological benefits from the abduction and subsequent killing. The life insurance benefits for the "bereaved" aren't too shabby either!

Sagittarius (The dude that has his head and torso attached to the body and legs of a horse): Sagittarians are dual-sport bike riders. They can't make up their mind if they want to ride in the dirt, or ride a bike that will take them to the local ice cream shop. Sadly, they compromise, and ride machines that normally aren't too great on the street or dirt. Sagittarians are average dirt bike riders. It's often difficult for them to scrape up money to purchase dirt bikes. Basically, Sagittarians generally have problems making up their minds about a lot of things.

Capricorn (The goat): If you ever see a rider putt-putting around on an old Hodaka, Rokon, or AMF Harley-Davidson, wearing a leather pudding bowl helmet, fuzzy yellow Handy-Andy gloves, and Red Wing work boots for riding protection, chances are very good that you looking at a Capricorn. Surprisingly, Capricorns are extremely friendly and gregarious individuals that enjoy the sport of dirt biking very much. They never got caught up in the "I Must Have a New Dirt Bike" mindset. Capricorns believe that aluminum serves no real purpose on a dirt bike. They are outstanding bench racers.

Aquarius (The dude that pours water out of a container): Aquarius is the most evil, and sometimes best disguised, member of the dirt bike horoscope family. At one time, these individuals owned a dirt bike. After discovering a dirt bike was "hard to ride" and confusing to repair and maintain, the typical Aquarian gives up dirt bike riding and becomes an environmental zealot. They change face quickly for two reasons. First, they are stupid. Second, they love no one, except themselves. These two faced, hypocritical individuals are hard to spot. The only clue that may give them away as being Aquarius is when they say something along the lines of, "Yea, I owned a dirt bike, once." Due to their defective personalities, and fanatic agenda to save nature, many Aquarius's enjoy sex with small wild animals.

Pisces (The fish): Pisces are dirt bike riders that feel a strange need to ride exclusively in notoriously wet areas, like the forests near the coast of Oregon. When riding in the desert, Pisces feel horribly out of place and become extremely anxious. In extreme desert riding situations, they may wander off looking for the mythical 'desert tortoise', believing the creature is located near a water source. Pisces dirt bike riders are easy to identify. Look for mold growing in the creases of their shoes and silicone waterproofing build-up between their fingers. Paul Clipper is a Pisces

Aries (The Ram): Aries are hard riding, extremely persistent, and fairly skilled dirt bike riders. All Aries carry out what they intend to do on a dirt bike, no matter the cost involved. Aries are easily spotted in a crowd of dirt bikers. Except for the occasional out of place new plastic piece or bike part, their bikes are generally scratched and marred by numerous heavy duty crashes. Their helmets and riding gear look the same as their bike. Many Aries suffer from brain damage induced mental disorders.

Taurus (The bull): A Taurus feels a ridiculous need for infinite power and speed. Taurus's ride big bore, open class bikes. If you are visiting an engine porting shop and someone walks in with a KTM 550 cylinder asking the specialist to port it for more top-end, the KTM 550 cylinder owner is a full blown, dyed in the wool, Taurus. Tom and Dan White of White Bros. have made a very good living for themselves exploiting Taurus's. Many Taurus's die from spontaneous combustion.

Gemini (The twins): Gemini's are probably the most misunderstood dirt bike riders. They are found riding in pairs. They ride with one riding buddy only, and it's always the same riding buddy! Gemini's will ride with other dirt bike riders. However, they eventually lose interest in the company and end up riding with one another somewhere else. Gemini's are accused, often wrongly, of being homosexual.

Cancer (The crab): These are individuals that indubitably adore vintage bikes and racing. It's usually easy to identify a Cancer. They talk about every dirt bike they have ridden and every race they have raced before 1979. Cancer's complain about the new bikes and Supercross. They believe the sport of dirt biking "just isn't the same anymore". (They have a point there.) Rick Sieman is a notorious Cancer.

Leo (The lion): Leo's are the dirt bike sports 'cream of the crop'. Their natural talents are found in few individuals; additionally, their talents are envied by many of us mere mortal dirt bike riders. During their dirt bike careers, Leo's rarely lost many competitive events. Roger DeCoster, J.N. Roberts, Bob Hannah, Rick Johnson, Larry Roessler, Jeremy McGrath, and Patrick J. Chicas (Pat paid me $100 to put his name under Leo) are just a few examples of dirt bike Leo's.

Virgo (The woman): Virgo's spend more money on the latest dirt bike apparel than what their bike is worth! Basically, Virgo's value their looks more than their machinery! If you see a person riding an average looking bike, decked out big time in AXO, JT, MSR, THOR, and Fox gear, you are looking at a Virgo. Virgo's hate to get dirty and are rarely seen riding in dusty or muddy conditions. Despite the Virgo's passion for the sport, they are loathed by many dirt bike riders, particularly Cancers.

Libra (The balance scales): Libra's have incredible talent, that is incredibly under rated. Libra's love the sport of dirt bike so much, they own several dirt bikes. Each bike serves a different purpose. For example, I knew a Libra that owned 5 different bikes. One machine was for MX, one was for enduros, one was for hare scrambles, one was for hillclimbing, and one was a practice/loaner bike! Despite their talent, most Libra's never end up competing professionally. They usually stretch themselves to thin to do one thing extremely well.

The next time your at the races or riding with your buddies, observe the riders carefully. Don't be too surprised if each rider will fit into one of the "Dirt Bike Riders's Horoscope"categories!

 

[Smitty]

I love that. I'm an Aries and it fits me uncannily.