George Carlin's "New Rules for 2008"
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com. There's a reason you don't talk to classmates for 25 or 30 years - you don't particularly like them. Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days. He's mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out of a window unless you are a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it costs less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain, Caviar?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blond teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky little *******s.
New Rule: If you need to shave and still collect baseball cards you are a dope. If you are a kid, the cards are a keepsake of your idols. If you are a grown man they are pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There is no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of that crap at the supermarket, but without the watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. By the time grandpa figures out how to open it his *** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: I am not the cashier! By the time I look up from figuring out which way to slide my card, entering my verifying PIN number, finding and pressing enter, pressing the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back and pressing enter again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my candy bar.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your *** and it translates to "chicken with broccoli". The last time you did anything spiritual you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're just high. You're not spiritual.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport, its one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching celebrities playing poker was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh no wait. They're already doing that. It called the "Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M & M. If I'm extra hungry I'll go nuts and eat two M & M's.
New Rule: If you are going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you'll have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie in the first place.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for new homes and babies and graduations and getting out of rehab. Picking out stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's white people's version of looting.
New Rule: (and this one is long overdue) No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there or just some freak with a fetish. I just want to wash my hands. I don't want to be on your web cam dude.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know he is "27 Months". "He's two" will do just fine. He's not cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and you want a job that pays more than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce and tattoo every available piece of flesh. If you do so, plan your future around saying "Do you want fries with that?"
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com. There's a reason you don't talk to classmates for 25 or 30 years - you don't particularly like them. Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days. He's mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out of a window unless you are a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it costs less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain, Caviar?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blond teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky little *******s.
New Rule: If you need to shave and still collect baseball cards you are a dope. If you are a kid, the cards are a keepsake of your idols. If you are a grown man they are pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There is no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of that crap at the supermarket, but without the watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. By the time grandpa figures out how to open it his *** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: I am not the cashier! By the time I look up from figuring out which way to slide my card, entering my verifying PIN number, finding and pressing enter, pressing the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back and pressing enter again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my candy bar.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your *** and it translates to "chicken with broccoli". The last time you did anything spiritual you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're just high. You're not spiritual.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport, its one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching celebrities playing poker was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh no wait. They're already doing that. It called the "Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M & M. If I'm extra hungry I'll go nuts and eat two M & M's.
New Rule: If you are going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you'll have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie in the first place.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for new homes and babies and graduations and getting out of rehab. Picking out stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's white people's version of looting.
New Rule: (and this one is long overdue) No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there or just some freak with a fetish. I just want to wash my hands. I don't want to be on your web cam dude.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know he is "27 Months". "He's two" will do just fine. He's not cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and you want a job that pays more than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce and tattoo every available piece of flesh. If you do so, plan your future around saying "Do you want fries with that?"
