Since I outshine every member in pure ol' crankiness :)
I thought that this would help explain the true values of the art. ;)
By: Jeff Ackerman
A couple of weeks ago I indicated that if I could, I'd enlist today and
help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of
innocent people in New York City and Washington, D.C. But I'm 50 now
and the Armed Forces says I'm too old to track down terrorists. You
can't be older than 35 to join the Army.
They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds
off to the fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able
to join until you're at least 35-years-old. For starters: Researchers
say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10-seconds. Old guys think about
sex every 15-seconds, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per
day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky and grumpy. A cranky
and grumpy soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy
we'll complain them into submission or surrender. "My back hurts!" "I'm
hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"
An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal bottle of beer yet, and you shouldn't
go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink beer. An
average old guy, on the other hand, has probably consumed at least
126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35, and a jaunt through the
desert heat with a backpack on and an M-60 over your shoulder would do
wonders for a beer belly.
An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up
early just to show we can [and to steal the neighbors newspaper.] If old
guys got captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably
forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank and serial number would
be a real brain teaser. If it wasn't for the age barrier, I'd pretty
much be able to get into the Army without a hitch.
According to the Army Internet site, I'd need to pass an entrance exam
[officially called an ASVAB], but the simple questions I saw weren't
exactly headache material. Boot Camp would actually be easier for old
guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we actually
like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and
rifles. We like them almost better than naps.
The Army could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been to
the desert and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with a rope hanging over
the side. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now. "Get down and give
me.....er.....one!" And the running part seems to be a hell of a waste
of good energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
Patience is something most 18-year-olds simply do not have. For good
reason too. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's
still learning to shave. To actually carry on a conversation. To learn
that a pierced tongue catches food particles. And that a 200-watt
speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All
great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life
before sending them off to a possible death.
Let us old guys track down those dirty, rotten, filthy, cowards who
attacked our country weeks ago today. The last thing they'd want
to see right now would be a couple of million old guys with attitudes! :)
I thought that this would help explain the true values of the art. ;)
By: Jeff Ackerman
A couple of weeks ago I indicated that if I could, I'd enlist today and
help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of
innocent people in New York City and Washington, D.C. But I'm 50 now
and the Armed Forces says I'm too old to track down terrorists. You
can't be older than 35 to join the Army.
They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds
off to the fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able
to join until you're at least 35-years-old. For starters: Researchers
say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10-seconds. Old guys think about
sex every 15-seconds, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per
day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky and grumpy. A cranky
and grumpy soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy
we'll complain them into submission or surrender. "My back hurts!" "I'm
hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"
An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal bottle of beer yet, and you shouldn't
go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink beer. An
average old guy, on the other hand, has probably consumed at least
126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35, and a jaunt through the
desert heat with a backpack on and an M-60 over your shoulder would do
wonders for a beer belly.
An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up
early just to show we can [and to steal the neighbors newspaper.] If old
guys got captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably
forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank and serial number would
be a real brain teaser. If it wasn't for the age barrier, I'd pretty
much be able to get into the Army without a hitch.
According to the Army Internet site, I'd need to pass an entrance exam
[officially called an ASVAB], but the simple questions I saw weren't
exactly headache material. Boot Camp would actually be easier for old
guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we actually
like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and
rifles. We like them almost better than naps.
The Army could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been to
the desert and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with a rope hanging over
the side. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now. "Get down and give
me.....er.....one!" And the running part seems to be a hell of a waste
of good energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
Patience is something most 18-year-olds simply do not have. For good
reason too. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's
still learning to shave. To actually carry on a conversation. To learn
that a pierced tongue catches food particles. And that a 200-watt
speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All
great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life
before sending them off to a possible death.
Let us old guys track down those dirty, rotten, filthy, cowards who
attacked our country weeks ago today. The last thing they'd want
to see right now would be a couple of million old guys with attitudes! :)
