Rules...(humor)

[Big Tuna]

Rules that guys wish girls knew

-Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up put it down.
-Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
-Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
-If you ask a question you don't want an answer to; expect an answer you do not want to hear.
-Sometimes we are not thinking of you. Live with it.
-Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and monster trucks.
-Sunday=sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
-Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
-When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
-You have enough clothes. You have to many shoes.
-Crying is blackmail.
-Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
-Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
-Most guys own 3 pairs of shoes-tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of 30, would look good with your dress.
-Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
-Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
-Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
-Check your oil. Please.
-Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
-If you won't dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
-If something we said can be interpreted 2 ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
-Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
-You can either ask us to do somethig OR tell us how you want it done--not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
-Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
-Christopher Colombas did not need directions, and neither do we.
-The relationship is never going to be like it was in the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends-like THEIR relationship is SO MUCH better.
-All men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach for example is a fruit not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
-If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
-We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
-If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing" we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
:)

 

[JuliusPleaser]

LMAO! Printed-soon to be framed!

 

[Big Tuna]

Just doing my part in bringing Mars and Venus or is that Jupiter....:think together ;)

 

[Tree]

Amen Brother!! I'll have to print this list for my wife. If every woman would read this list and follow it the world would be a much happier place.:) :cool:

 

[Big Tuna]

If every woman would read this list and follow it the world would be a much happier place

Maybe I've posted in the wrong forum:p

 

[biglou]

Hell hath no fury, BigT!

Originally posted by BigTuna
Maybe I've posted in the wrong forum

You don't want that kind of abuse, brother! Or do you?!:p

Let me add to this timebomb!

It's good to be a man:

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's hat if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too
icky.
Same work... more pay.:eek:
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything
different?"
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your
friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking:
"He must be mad at me."
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45
minutes.

 

[BSWIFT]

re:We know you are lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

Sounds like BigTuna's is in for a stay in the garage. LMAO, good stuff.:)

 

[RM_guy]

Funny stuff!

I would have posted this in the Women’s forum for sure. Everyone else already knows this stuff :p

 

[XRpredator]

Originally posted by Big Tuna
-Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

er, is that what that's called?:eek:

 

[Big Tuna]

This set of rules should be laminated, and given to every girl in kindergarten.
Rules are made to create boundaries, and avoid chaos. If you don't know the rules then you can't play;)
Big Lou that makes me want to take of this apron, and put down this feather duster and be a man all over again:eek:

 

[bbbom]

OH NO HERE WE GO AGAIN!!!

It may take me a bit but I'm sure I can come up with all my own rules!!! Be patient, be patient. I have to finish some of my housework first. :p

 

[Old CR goat]

It may take me a bit but I'm sure I can come up with all my own rules!!!

The problem is, if a Man actually learns all of a woman's rules,then she must immediatly change all or some of the rules! I don't know why, I think that is one of the rules:confused:

 

[biglou]

Q: How many men does it take to clean a bathroom?





A: None. That's wimmin's work!:eek:


Just kidding, ladies. Just kidding.

 

[Big Tuna]

Q.Why don't women need a watch.

A.There's always a clock on the stove.;)

 

[Hokie]

Q. Why is a womans' wedding dress white?


A. So the dishwasher matches the refrigerator.:p

 

[ANGIE]

HA HA HA

Q. How are men and parking spaces alike?

A. All the good ones are taken and the only ones left are handicapped.

God knows over the past six months I've found this to be the rule.;)

 

[bbbom]

You mean there ARE good ones? I thought they were all handicapped, that T thing ya know! :p

 

[Old CR goat]

And God said to Adam
" I've given you the night and the day, the land and the sea, and all the animals. Now Adam, I'm going to give you something more wonderful than you could ever imagine,,,,, but It's going to cost you an arm and a leg."

Adam said" No thanks, what can I get for just a rib"

 

[rames90]

I think I'll add one more:

Q: What have you done wrong if your wife comes out of the kitchen and starts nagging you?


A: Made her chain too long.

 

[taraker]

Why are women's feet so short - so they can stand closer to the sink & stove;)

MEN & WOMEN COMPARED

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a night, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking,
Men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never
worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A
successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
Dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in his house.

Thought for the Day:
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

 

[LoriKTM]

Hey guys, here's the manual you've all been waiting for! Print this out and keep it with you at all times. It will make the world a much easier place for everyone. ;)

Women's Vocabulary

FINE:
This is the word we use to end an argument. "Fine" means that the
argument is over, we are right, you should shut up. Never use "Fine" to
describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those
arguments.

FIVE MINUTES:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel
that it's an even trade.

NOTHING:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is
usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you
inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care." You
will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by
"Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when
she cools off.

LOUD SIGH:
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement
very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing there and
arguing with you over "Nothing."

SOFT SIGH:
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the
few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best
bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

OH:
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me
get that." Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If
she says, "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.
She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes
out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days.
"Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a
lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised
eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring
myself to write about them.

THAT'S OKAY:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a
man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
deciding on your punishment for what ever it is that you have done.
"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has
plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO:
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the
chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing
whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say, "You're welcome."

THANKS A LOT:
This is much different than "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot"
when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her
in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not
to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you
"Nothing."

--Author unknown - found circulating in email.

 

[WoodsRider]

Re: Funny stuff!

Originally posted by RM_guy
I would have posted this in the Women’s forum for sure. Everyone else already knows this stuff :p

Sure Dave, I bet you posted on the fridge door at home too, huh? :silly:

 

[KXKen]

Got this one at work today

Sorry Girls I couldn't resist

A group of girlfriends went on vacation and they see a five-story
hotel
with a sign that reads "For Women Only". Since they were without
their boyfriends, they decide to go in.

The Doorman, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works,
"We
have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are
looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each
floor has
signs telling you what's inside. The only rule is, once you leave a
floor,
you can't return to it."

The women talk it over and decide to go for it. They start going up,
and
on the first floor the sign reads "All the men here are horrible
lovers, but
they are sensitive and kind". The friends laugh and without
hesitation
move on to the next floor.

The sign on the Second floor reads "All the men here are wonderful
lovers, but they generally treat women badly". This wasn't going to
do
so again they head for the stairs.

The friends move up to the Third floor where the sign read "All the
men
here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women." This was
good but there were still two more floors...

So on to the Fourth floor, the sign was perfect. "All the men here
have
perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect
lovers;
they are also single, rich and straight"

The women seemed pleased but they decide that they would rather
see what the fifth floor has to offer before they settle for the
fourth.

When they reach the Fifth floor, there is only a sign that reads:
"There
are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is
simply
no way to please a woman."

 

[Big Tuna]

LOL!
Oldie, but a goodie.

Newly-wed couple arrives at there honeymoon sweet, and get undressed.
Man hands his pants to his new bride and says"here put these on."
Woman puts them on but they fall down and she says"these don't fit."
Man-"That's right, so now you know who wares the pants in this relationship."
Woman grabs her panties and tells him"here put these on."
Man struggles with them but finally says "I can't get into these."
Woman-"That's right, and your NOT going to get into them until you change your attitude."

 

[oldguy]

What is the differance

Between when your wife is locked out at the front door yelling at you to let her in and your dog is chained to the tree out in the backyard barking to come in?

Let the dog in and it shuts up