2strokerfun
Member
- May 19, 2006
- 1,500
- 1
I thought these were pretty funny, and occassionally accurate:
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the
room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had
carefully set in the corner, where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers
in about the time it takes you to say, ''What
The....??''
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets
in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too
short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads Sometimes used in the
creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric Sanding tool commonly used to
convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a
crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to
influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers, to completely
round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can
also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong
the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your
hand.
OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy
for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the
bearing race out of.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to
launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder
than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes
thereby ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by
most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces
that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the
inside edge of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum
tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip
on the end opposite the handle.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum
seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil
cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used,
as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.
Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into
non-removable screws.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that
clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a
50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. Works
equally as well on boxes and thumbs.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the
most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to
hit.
"DAMMIT" TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and
throw across the garage while yelling
''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs. It is
also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the
room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had
carefully set in the corner, where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers
in about the time it takes you to say, ''What
The....??''
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets
in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too
short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads Sometimes used in the
creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric Sanding tool commonly used to
convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a
crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to
influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers, to completely
round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can
also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong
the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your
hand.
OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy
for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the
bearing race out of.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to
launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder
than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes
thereby ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by
most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces
that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the
inside edge of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum
tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip
on the end opposite the handle.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum
seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil
cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used,
as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.
Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into
non-removable screws.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that
clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a
50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. Works
equally as well on boxes and thumbs.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the
most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to
hit.
"DAMMIT" TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and
throw across the garage while yelling
''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs. It is
also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
