"golf"

[jamsxr]

"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

"Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

:confused:

 

[VintageDirt]

I think I might know Tracy!

 

[jamsxr]

Which reminds me---

--:think--I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.:eek:

 

[VintageDirt]

I knew a guy once. He could sit and whittle all day. He didn't need no stick and he didn't even own a knife.

 

[XRpredator]

Okay, here goes.:scream:

This old couple is driving through town, and a local deputy pulls them over.

"Scuse me, sir, may I see your driver's license?" says the deputy.

"What'd he say?" says the old lady.

"HE WANTS TO SEE MY DRIVER'S LICENSE!" hollered the old man.

"Sir, I need your registration and proof of insurance as well," says the deputy.

"What'd he say?" asked the old lady.

"HE WANTS TO SEE MY REGISTRATION AND PROOF OF INSURANCE!" the old man yelled.

The deputy thanks the old man, goes back to the patrol car, does his business, and comes back.

"Sir, I'll let you off with a warning this time," the deputy said. "By the way, I couldn't help but notice where you're from. I was there once, and I met this woman at a bar. She was the worst sex I ever had!"

"What'd he say?" the old lady nagged.

"HE SAID HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!!!"

ba dump-bump :silly:

 

[jamsxr]

scarey story--

Somebody told me how frightening it was about how much topsoil we are losing each year, but when I told that story around a campfire -- nobody got scared at all :think

 

[VintageDirt]

XRbubba

That one would go good with a brew.:)

 

[VintageDirt]

Re: scarey story--

Originally posted by jamsxr
Somebody told me how frightening it was about how much topsoil we are losing each year, but when I told that story around a campfire -- nobody got scared at all :think

Top soil don't scare me none. Unless of course it's on top of me.:scream:

 

[jamsxr]

Good point,,,

:think---As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was this it -----nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seems that way.

 

[VintageDirt]

Jams--I'll have some of what you're having.:)

 

[jamsxr]

Try this Wes--

-- If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add the words "dot com" to the end of everything you say, dot com. :eek:

 

[VintageDirt]

I just now checked

It appears as though the domain names "dot.com" and "dotcom.com" are available dot com.

 

[jamsxr]

Did we lose anyone yet?

--If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, you need to build up to that. :)

 

[biglou]

jams-Jack Handy or Steven Wright? BTW-LMAO!:)

 

[jamsxr]

You're good BigLou--

:cool: -
Deep Thoughts
by Jack Handey
:)

 

[jamsxr]

Hunter--

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband
stalking around with a flyswatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh!, Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone". He responded
;)

 

[XRpredator]

You want some Stephen Wright?

• If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
• For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...
• I have a switch in my apartment... it doesn't do anything.... Every once in a while, I turn it on and off.... One day I got a call... it was from a woman in France.... She said "Cut it out"....
• If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
• I invented the cordless extension cord
• I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
• A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it'
• When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.
• When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
• Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
• Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

There's plenty more where that came from! :eek:

 

[jamsxr]

Good one XRPred-

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

:cool:

 

[XRpredator]

On the other hand, you have different fingers...
:confused:

 

[Jaybird]

A threesome teed off one morning. The first man up hit his tee shot and it went straight for the water. He held his club out and the water parted, allowing the shot to roll on across the pond bottom and right up onto the green. "Wow!..great shot, Moses" exclaimed the next shooter.

He then teed up, hit his ball and it too went straight for the water. He held his clup out and the ball glided along the top of the pond and came to a nice gentle rest on the green, inside of Moses' shot. "Great shot, Jesus!" exclaimed Moses.

The third, being very impressed with the first two shots, teed up yet with a confident look. He hit and the ball headed straight for the woods. It hit a giant oak tree and bounced off. As it was headed for deep woods, a pelican snatched the ball out of the air....flew over the green...and the bird dropped the ball. The ball looked as if it were going to roll clear off the grean, when it made a turn and headed right for the hole! The ball came to rest at the bottom of the cup.


v










"Verily, verily nice shot, Dad!" exclaimed Jesus.

 

[Jaybird]

When I was first learning to play golf, my grandfather told me that there is one thing you must learn in case of a lightning storm.

"If it starts to lightning while you are out on the course, hold a 1 iron up in the air. Even God can't hit a 1 iron!" :confused: