For my birthday tomorrow a friend at work has been loading up my inbox with jokes. I thought I’d share them with you. (I can’t send them all :eek:) Sorry about the formatting on some of them.
Family History of Vincent Van Gogh
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist, Vincent Van Gogh,
had many relatives. Among them were
His dizzy aunt........................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes............Gotta Gogh
The constipated uncle.................Cant Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store... Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia.......U. Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white.... Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois..............Chica Gogh
His magician uncle.................Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin....................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother ..Grin Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt.............Tan Gogh
A sister who loved disco..............Go Gogh
The nephew who drove a stagecoach...Wellsfar Gogh
The bird lover uncle..................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst..............E. Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin...............Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking...Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew..............Poe Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van.. Winnie Bay Gogh
Senior Humor
>
> A group of Florida senior citizens were sitting around talking about
> their ailments:
>
> "My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.
>
> "Yes, I know.? My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee,"
> replied another.
>
> "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a
> third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
>
> "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.
>
> "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man
as
> he shook his head.
>
> Then there was a short moment of silence......
>
> "Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully - "Thank God we
can
all still drive."
A guy named Pete gets a job as a switchman with the railroad, and undergoes weeks of training. The supervisor then takes him into the switch booth to test his
readiness. The following exchange takes place:
Supervisor: "Imagine you were sitting here alone and you learned there was a train coming from the North on that track, and another coming from the South on the same track. What would you do?"
Pete: "I'd throw this switch right here and put one train on the other track."
Supervisor: And what if that switch didn't work?"
Pete: "I'd go down to the track and throw that big switchlever there, putting one train on the other track."
Supervisor: "And what if that switchlever didn't work?"
Pete: "Then I'd come back here and call the dispatcher to stop both trains."
Supervisor: "And what if the phone didn't work?"
Pete: "Then I'd go to that gas station across the street and use their phone."
Supervisor: "And what if their phone didn't work?"
Pete: "Then I'd go get Uncle Joe."
Supervisor: "Uncle Joe??? What would he do?"
Pete: "Nothing, but he ain't never seen a train wreck."
New Math
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:
Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54-years-old, and I have certain needs
which you are no longer able to satisfy.
I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you
will
not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this
letter,
I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant.
I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for
him
that read as follows:
Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54-years-old and by the time you receive this letter,
I
will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy.
Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily
appreciate
the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Don't wait up.
A child's view of retirement in a mobile home park:
>
> After Christmas break, the teacher asked
> her small pupils how they spent their holiday.
> One little boy's reply went like this:
> "We always spend Christmas with Grandma
> and Grandpa."
> "They used to live up here in a big
> brick house,
> but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to
> Florida."
> "They live in a park with a lot of other
> retarded people."
> "They all live in tin huts.
> They ride tricycles
> that are too big for me."
> "They all go to a building they call
> the wrecked hall, but it is fixed now.
> They all do exercise but not very well.
> They play a game with big
> checkers and push them around on the floor
> with sticks."
> "There is a swimming pool but I guess nobody
> teaches them. They just stand there in
> the water with their hats on."
> "My Grandma used to bake cookies for me,
> but nobody cooks there.
> They all go to restaurants
> that are fast and have discounts."
> "When you come into the park, there is a doll
> house with a man sitting in it.
> He watches all day
> so they can't get out without him seeing them.
> I guess everybody forgets who they are because
> they all wear badges with their names on them."
>
> "Grandma says that Grandpa worked hard all his
> life to earn his retardment.
> I wish they would move
> back home, but I guess the man in the doll house
> won't let them out."
Author unknown
Family History of Vincent Van Gogh
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist, Vincent Van Gogh,
had many relatives. Among them were
His dizzy aunt........................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes............Gotta Gogh
The constipated uncle.................Cant Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store... Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia.......U. Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white.... Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois..............Chica Gogh
His magician uncle.................Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin....................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother ..Grin Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt.............Tan Gogh
A sister who loved disco..............Go Gogh
The nephew who drove a stagecoach...Wellsfar Gogh
The bird lover uncle..................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst..............E. Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin...............Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking...Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew..............Poe Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van.. Winnie Bay Gogh
Senior Humor
>
> A group of Florida senior citizens were sitting around talking about
> their ailments:
>
> "My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.
>
> "Yes, I know.? My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee,"
> replied another.
>
> "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a
> third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
>
> "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.
>
> "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man
as
> he shook his head.
>
> Then there was a short moment of silence......
>
> "Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully - "Thank God we
can
all still drive."
A guy named Pete gets a job as a switchman with the railroad, and undergoes weeks of training. The supervisor then takes him into the switch booth to test his
readiness. The following exchange takes place:
Supervisor: "Imagine you were sitting here alone and you learned there was a train coming from the North on that track, and another coming from the South on the same track. What would you do?"
Pete: "I'd throw this switch right here and put one train on the other track."
Supervisor: And what if that switch didn't work?"
Pete: "I'd go down to the track and throw that big switchlever there, putting one train on the other track."
Supervisor: "And what if that switchlever didn't work?"
Pete: "Then I'd come back here and call the dispatcher to stop both trains."
Supervisor: "And what if the phone didn't work?"
Pete: "Then I'd go to that gas station across the street and use their phone."
Supervisor: "And what if their phone didn't work?"
Pete: "Then I'd go get Uncle Joe."
Supervisor: "Uncle Joe??? What would he do?"
Pete: "Nothing, but he ain't never seen a train wreck."
New Math
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:
Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54-years-old, and I have certain needs
which you are no longer able to satisfy.
I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you
will
not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this
letter,
I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant.
I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for
him
that read as follows:
Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54-years-old and by the time you receive this letter,
I
will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy.
Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily
appreciate
the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Don't wait up.
A child's view of retirement in a mobile home park:
>
> After Christmas break, the teacher asked
> her small pupils how they spent their holiday.
> One little boy's reply went like this:
> "We always spend Christmas with Grandma
> and Grandpa."
> "They used to live up here in a big
> brick house,
> but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to
> Florida."
> "They live in a park with a lot of other
> retarded people."
> "They all live in tin huts.
> They ride tricycles
> that are too big for me."
> "They all go to a building they call
> the wrecked hall, but it is fixed now.
> They all do exercise but not very well.
> They play a game with big
> checkers and push them around on the floor
> with sticks."
> "There is a swimming pool but I guess nobody
> teaches them. They just stand there in
> the water with their hats on."
> "My Grandma used to bake cookies for me,
> but nobody cooks there.
> They all go to restaurants
> that are fast and have discounts."
> "When you come into the park, there is a doll
> house with a man sitting in it.
> He watches all day
> so they can't get out without him seeing them.
> I guess everybody forgets who they are because
> they all wear badges with their names on them."
>
> "Grandma says that Grandpa worked hard all his
> life to earn his retardment.
> I wish they would move
> back home, but I guess the man in the doll house
> won't let them out."
Author unknown
