Sponsoring Member<br>Club Moderator
Mar 9, 2001
This had me rolling on the floor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
S = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget


Man, those bring back memories! I think rm_d00d sent me those last week, too. I saw a MAF written one time that said "Fuel System AFU". That's all it said. Didn't specify whether the problem was with quantity, flow indication, transfer, etc. I lobbied for just signing it off as "Un****ed Fuel System", but that got shot down. Another classic signoff: "R&R'd loose nut behind stick". My pilot buddy tells me that they have "relief tubes" in their jets so on those long flights you can just take a whiz down the pipe. Their joke is to initiate a MAF under another pilot's name with the complaint: "Relief tube too short"!
Ah, good times...
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