Enduro Ramblings...

[Smit-Dog]

With apologies to Ed Hertfelder...

1. What this van needs is a new van...
   
   
2. You NEVER see any state police on this road...
   
   
3. I think we passed the turnoff...
   
   
4. Well, that's where the event started LAST year....
   
   
5. You mean I didn't mail a check with my entry?
   
   
6. You can put my name on that trophy right now...
   
   
7. Where is the gas truck?
   
   
8. They just reset the key time clock...
   
   
9. The coffee is almost warm and the donuts have been fried in thirty weight oil...
   
   
10. You can't eat trophies...
    
    
11. Then his wife filled his Husky with straight gas...
    
    
12. The bars weren't too wide; the trees were too close together...
    
    
13. Does ANYBODY know where the gas truck is?
    
    
14. He pushed the bike two miles backward on the trail and was only a hundred yards from a checkpoint when he started...
    
    
15. It won't start and all of a sudden it's real easy to kick over...
    
    
16. He tried to let two pounds of air out of his tire and the valve jammed open...
    
    
17. Well it's not deep now but the early numbers went through at high tide...
    
    
18. I think he rides a new motorcycle every week...
    
    
19. The only tool he carries is twelve feet of clothesline...
    
    
20. Somebody put Gatorade in my Gatorade...
    
    
21. And my wife thinks I'm out here having FUN...
    
    
22. Just lay there and take it easy; I'll tell them at the next check...
    
    
23. They re-routed so follow the arrows and not the tracks...
    
    
24. I ain't seen him all day and he was running the same number...
    
    
25. Go as fast as you can until you're an hour late...
    
    
26. The deer walked away and I had a broken collar bone...
    
    
27. He kicked that engine over until his tongue was down to his waist...
    
    
28. They say the second half is a lot easier...
    
    
29. I put my leg down but it was six feet too short...
    
    
30. It was so dusty I couldn't see my front fender...
    
    
31. I'm not lost; I'm just slightly confused...
    
    
32. He always throws up before he starts...
    
    
33. It's got so much suspension you need a ladder to get on it...
    
    
34. I hear they're checking for stop lights...
    
    
35. Me and the motorcycle take turns breaking down...
    
    
36. Did anybody turn in a fanny pack...
    
    
37. I was laying there thinking I was having a heart attack and some guy went through my pockets looking for a master link...
    
    
38. He finished in a pickup truck...
    
    
39. You expect to get your gas can BACK?...
    
    
40. Sure he rides good; he's been out of work for ten weeks...
    
    
41. Gotta get in shape...
    
    
42. You can have dependable or you can have fast, what do you want?...
    
    
43. An easy enduro is when YOU don't get stuck...
    
    
44. That's what they SAY it weighs; then they put fifteen pounds of air in each tire...
    
    
45. I don't try to trophy; I just ride for the fresh air...
    
    
46. God bless vice grips, duct tape and tie wraps...
    
    
47. All I carry is a compass and a dime so I can find my way out and phone for help...
    
    
48. I was doing really good until I wrapped fifteen feet of barbed wire on my countershaft sprocket...
    
    
49. If I bore it out once more I'll have a stack of big washers...
    
    
50. Let's find a McDonalds before I starve to death...
    
    
51. The gas truck?, it just left...
    
    
52. I only fall off on left turns, usually...
    
    
53. Your van will fit in there, just gas it...
    
    
54. Mike Lafferty was signed up but he didn't make it...
    
    
55. Their route sheet corrections list is longer than their route sheet...
    
    
56. I don't drink this coffee, I'm holding it to try to warm my hands...
    
    
57. He hasn't ridden in twenty years and he's still trying to shift with the brake pedal...
    
    
58. I know I said it before but this is DEFINITELY my last enduro...
    
    
59. Then all I had left was six neutrals...
    
    
60. He bitches when he gets a late number and he bitches when he gets an early number; what he wants is the Taj Mahal on ball bearings...
    
    
61. Then he drove off with his helmet and boots on the roof of his van...
    
    
62. I don't know where he is but at midnight last night he had his transmission spread all over his garage...
    
    
63. He cut himself carving a side cover gasket out of a pizza box...
    
    
64. He tore the right side shock off on a tree then said he always wanted a Monoshock anyway...
    
    
65. Well your cockamamie sound meter might be off a little...
    
    
66. If HE can make it, I can make it...
    
    
67. They ALWAYS say they're having a nude check...
    
    
68. You can't borrow my Phillips because you ALREADY borrowed it...
    
    
69. Then he put his motorcycle under his arm and walked away with it...
    
    
70. Boy, he sure rides sideways a lot...
    
    
71. Do they give a trophy for falling off?
    
    
72. Who wants to ride that second loop again?
    
    
73. Blew the fork seals and it felt like I was riding a pogo stick...
    
    
74. You mean they left without me?
    
    
75. I don't care what the manual says, I've been adjusting valves since you were in second grade...
    
    
76. He keeps that up and he'll be riding a wheelchair next...
    
    
77. Go to bed dear I'm just going to slide this cylinder on...
    
    
78. ...

 

[Timr]

Smitty, those are all too true! And Funny too. Here's an article about enduro racing that I wrote about 7 years ago. It's an oldie but a goodie and in the same vien with your post.

Enduro Pain:

I recently accompanied my younger brother Mark to his first Enduro. I’m sure that everyone can recall with fond memories (or not so fond memories) what their first enduro was like. This all started a few months ago when I asked my brother to come help with the sign up at our club’s Hare Scramble. In typical fashion, our sign up was mass chaos and Mark jumped in with both feet and helped out a lot. After the event got going, Mark remarked that there seemed to be a lot of people signing up who had no idea what they were doing.

About a month later, Mark came out to Maplesville to pit for me at the next Hare Scramble. Once again, he saw that there were plenty of riders there who were just like him. One small problem prohibited Mark from going racing, he needed a bike. Needless to say, we secured a bike and got it prepared.

Fast forward to last Saturday, the bike was ready, all the equipment needed had been acquired and we were headed for Forest Hill, Louisiana. After asking a number of questions, Mark made his way to the starting line. We had requested a late row for less traffic and were assigned row 45. After getting through the start, we were moving along at a pretty good pace in the first few sections considering that Mark had no time on the bike and had ridden maybe 15 total miles in the last 5 years.

We had accumulated a couple of dozen points through the first 4 checks and things were going relatively smoothly until we checked into the first real tight section of the day. This is where we started dropping minutes by the truckload. This also happens to be the point were Mark had his first experience with "enduro pain." I looked down at my computer and noticed that we were 45 minutes behind and still dropping minutes. Time for Mark and I to have a conference. I pull over and wait on Mark to catch up. A few minutes later, Mark rides around the corner and into my view. I can tell that physically, he has "hit the wall" hard.

This is when "Enduro Pain" consumed his body. If you’ve ever raced an enduro, then you’ve been there before. It usually starts in the tight woods sections. You’ve got the bike locked in first gear and are battling to get through the trees. You go around a turn so slow that you stall the bike, it’s out of balance and you stretch your leg out in desperation trying to stop your downward fall. A strange sensation occurs to you now, the ground is gone. The leg you stuck out doesn’t stop your fall and you end up face down in the dirt. The bike is leaned way over wedged between two trees and is blocking the trail. Off in the distance you can hear bikes approaching. You summon up the last bit of strength that you have to pick the heavy bike up off the ground. You find neutral and push the bike off into the woods.

You sit there huffing and puffing and you wouldn’t be surprised if your heart came thumping out of your chest. Your arms are pumped up so bad that they feel like wet spaghetti noodles. After you finish swilling water out of your camel back, you pause briefly to ponder the situation. Let’s see, I’ve got my fun meter pegged on zero. In fact, I can’t believe that I parted with my hard earned money for this. These other guys who are flying by me aren’t human, they can’t be.

Now as "enduro pain" moves into its second stage, you start to hallucinate and loose control of rational thought. You’re convinced that the whole enduro experience has been created by the devil as some sort of masochistic torture and the fact that other racers continue fly by at unheard of speed, well, this is how the devil adds to your pain. You begin to hope that the course workers at the next check will give you a beer and tell you that the rest of the event has been cancelled. They would even volunteer to ride your bike back to camp while you relax in their motorhome.

Then you vow to yourself that you will never go to another enduro again. You won’t subject yourself to this kind of pain again. In fact, even going trail riding again is questionable. Finally, you make your way back to the pits. At this point, the enduro pain starts to dissipate. In fact, it wasn’t all that bad. By the time you’re driving home, you laugh at the thought of pain, and you’re looking forward to the next event.

However, on Monday morning when you go to wash your hair in the shower and you can’t raise your arms up to your head, you learn a very important lesson. "Enduro Pain" always gets the last laugh.

 

[YZMAN400]

you learn a very important lesson. "Enduro Pain" always gets the last laugh.

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:


Were do I sign up?? :laugh:

 

[70 marlin]

Timr: Very good story! Yesterday was the first ride of the season. Only 24 miles of deep whoops. It's a Quad ORV trail. I don't know if you've ever had the pleasure of riding Cedar Creek trail system (Old twisty) Well I rode old twisty real hard. This morning I couldn’t even raise my arms high enough to wash my hair. I know this is nothing compared to real "enduro pain" That's about as close as this over weight mid 40 yr old going get to real "Enduro Pain"

 

[woodsy]

An excellent thread SMITpouch!!! You REALLY know how to hurt a guy bringing up all the ouches of riding..

Timr writes:
Now as "enduro pain" moves into its second stage, you start to hallucinate and loose control of rational thought. You’re convinced that the whole enduro experience has been created by the devil as some sort of masochistic torture and the fact that other racers continue fly by at unheard of speed, well, this is how the devil adds to your pain.

A short story that happened on a 3 dayer with my friend Larry - true story too:
After three days of shedding muck up to our axels, taking on whoops the size of Mount Saint Helens and being pushed by yours truely to keep riding and cover more ground Larry stops me and says - "if I keep this up I am going to just go ahead and hit a tree on purpose so I can get this ride over with" - he was serious too.. :rotfl:

and NO Don, we were not lost.. Larry was leading :moon:

 

[INCA]

What is an enduro?

 

[Smit-Dog]

.... Just a trail ride out in the woods amongst friends....

 

[Magoo]

What is an enduro?

POTD!
:rotfl: