- Feb 9, 2000
- 3,718
- 0
I know its a bit early but I figured those of you in the south would appreciate the heads up.
Subject: Bubba Claus
My dear children:
I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be serving the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local #209. I will now serve only the northern US As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who just happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. Bubba's side of the family is from the South Pole.
He shares my goals of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls.
However, there are a few differences between us, such as:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith & Wesson".
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the
fireplace and Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now hangs over Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, etc... when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace,
on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off". The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh as well. One is a Ford logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hog Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit 4" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state police cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure the wife and kids turn the other way when he bends over.
9. Finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like
"Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa
Claus is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I want for Christmas is My Woman and a Six-Pack", and Hank Williams Jr.'s, "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, Shove It".
Sincerely yours,
Santa Claus, Member North American Fairies and Elves Local #209
Subject: Bubba Claus
My dear children:
I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be serving the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local #209. I will now serve only the northern US As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who just happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. Bubba's side of the family is from the South Pole.
He shares my goals of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls.
However, there are a few differences between us, such as:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith & Wesson".
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the
fireplace and Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now hangs over Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, etc... when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace,
on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off". The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh as well. One is a Ford logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hog Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit 4" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state police cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure the wife and kids turn the other way when he bends over.
9. Finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like
"Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa
Claus is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I want for Christmas is My Woman and a Six-Pack", and Hank Williams Jr.'s, "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, Shove It".
Sincerely yours,
Santa Claus, Member North American Fairies and Elves Local #209
