zio
Mr. Atlas
- Jul 28, 2000
- 2,284
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A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine.
"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're @**holes!"
Q: What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull ?
A: Lipstick.
There were three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After awhile one of the first two turned to the third and say's "Well what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
"Well, just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
His friends were amazed! "What happened then?"
"Well, then she said, 'GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN.'"
A man and his wife are driving home from a party and get pulled over by a
cop.
Officer: Sir, did you know you were speeding?
Husband: No officer I didn't.
Wife: Of course you were...you were going 70, I told you to slow down.
Officer: Sir, did you realize that last light you went through was red?
Husband: No officer, I didn't.
Wife: I knew it was. I told you to stop. It was red before you even got
to the intersection. I told you that you'd get caught.
Officer: Sir, does she always talk to you like this?
Wife interjects: Only when he's been drinking.
Ever since they got married, the wife has had a padlocked chest by the foot of their bed. Despite his pleadings from time to time, she never revealed the contents to him. Finally, on their silver anniversary, the wife agreed to let him see the contents. He watched steadfastly as she unlocked the chest and opened the lid. Inside were two ears of corn and twenty-five thousand dollars. He looked at the chest and looked at his wife. His wife said, "It is like this. Every time I cheated on you, I put in an ear of corn." He was surprised to learn she has been unfaithful. But twice in twenty-five years wasn't that bad, so he smiled and asked, "What about the money?" "Well, every time I reached a bushel, I sold it."
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait. It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?" "Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!"
"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're @**holes!"
Q: What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull ?
A: Lipstick.
There were three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After awhile one of the first two turned to the third and say's "Well what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
"Well, just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
His friends were amazed! "What happened then?"
"Well, then she said, 'GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN.'"
A man and his wife are driving home from a party and get pulled over by a
cop.
Officer: Sir, did you know you were speeding?
Husband: No officer I didn't.
Wife: Of course you were...you were going 70, I told you to slow down.
Officer: Sir, did you realize that last light you went through was red?
Husband: No officer, I didn't.
Wife: I knew it was. I told you to stop. It was red before you even got
to the intersection. I told you that you'd get caught.
Officer: Sir, does she always talk to you like this?
Wife interjects: Only when he's been drinking.
Ever since they got married, the wife has had a padlocked chest by the foot of their bed. Despite his pleadings from time to time, she never revealed the contents to him. Finally, on their silver anniversary, the wife agreed to let him see the contents. He watched steadfastly as she unlocked the chest and opened the lid. Inside were two ears of corn and twenty-five thousand dollars. He looked at the chest and looked at his wife. His wife said, "It is like this. Every time I cheated on you, I put in an ear of corn." He was surprised to learn she has been unfaithful. But twice in twenty-five years wasn't that bad, so he smiled and asked, "What about the money?" "Well, every time I reached a bushel, I sold it."
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait. It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?" "Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!"