Dave Barry funnies

firecracker22

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#1
I'm sure this isn't new but I like it. Pay close attention to number three . . . :confused:

THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN

by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6.Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14.Your friends love you anyway.

15.Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. FINAL Thought for the day: Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Now there, doesn't that just touch your heart?
 
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#2
Lotta truth to those! All are excellent points (I've personally found 4 to be very true, 7 made me cringe), except 16. I'm perfect from the get-go.
 

LoriKTM

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#3
...and don't forget-- WEAR SUNSCREEN!  ;)

Our company lives by #2.  I swear people spend more time in meetings than they do working.

I think people should repeat #5 and #15 as a mantra every morning when they get up.  Have a lot more happier people in the world. :)
 

squeaky

Roosta's Princess
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#4
Originally posted by LoriKTM
Our company lives by #2.  I swear people spend more time in meetings than they do working.
Lori, when did you come to work with me? ;) I see my boss literally for 2 out of 8 hours a day because he's in so many meetings.

Number 16 is great! My fave!
 

XRpredator

AssClown SuperPowers
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#5
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
man, I have stepped on my dick so many times by not following that one . . .