Need advice on how to handle a relationship

[MXTex]

I think I need some feedback from my dirt-rider brothers and sisters. Let me apologize up front for my long windedness. Last Saturday, while out riding with my usual MX buddies, I had a crash and knocked myself out. It appears that I lost complete consciousness for about 2 minutes and am still suffering from amnesia which spans an approximate 15 to 30 minute window. This was followed up with about 4 hours of vomiting and a subsequent trip to the hospital where I received a myriad of tests and was diagnosed with a severe concussion and bruised liver. Thankfully, everything is going to be OK. I’ll obviously be off the bike until released by my doctor. I’m already back at work and feeling halfway human again. Needless to say, especially considering the amnesia part, this has been a scary situation for me. My wife has been absolutely wonderful in her support.

My concern and reason for sharing this incident has to do with how one of my MX friends handled this situation. I don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive or if I need to read something else into this. Let me explain. I met this friend and introduced him to the sport several years ago. He didn’t have a bike at the time and couldn’t afford one, so I let him use a spare bike I had rather than selling it. This arrangement lasted for about a year at which time I finally sold the bike and he purchased one himself. Well, he got the new bike and the motor completely toasted on his second ride. So I tore the bike down for him and sent the motor to Eric for a rebuild. While the motor was gone, I went ahead and stripped the frame, had it powder-coated, and serviced his suspension. This event set a precedent of free wrenching for him which has continued over the years. Since that initial rebuild, I’ve torn it down again for another re-powder coat, replaced his linkage bearings, installed a new top end, the list goes on and on. I did all of this free of labor charge of course and did 98% of it w/o any involvement from him. Recently, he had a flat tire. So I swung by his house, removed the wheel, took it home to repair, brought it back and re-installed. I’m pretty good at this stuff and enjoy doing things like this for my friends. The list goes on and on. You get the picture.

Additionally, every time this guy has been hurt in MX, I have been all over it. He banged his knee once on a whoop and it swelled. So I lined up a meeting with a Dr. friend of mine on a Sunday night at his house to check out the knee. Another time, he bailed pretty hard so I took him to the hospital and stayed with him through the entire check-out, (about 6 hours) then brought him home. (he broke his collar bone and 4 ribs)

So now we’re back to last Saturday. When I start remembering things again, I’m back at my truck and sitting in a chair. My friend is there and talking to me telling me I took a little fall and everything is OK. Fair enough. I sit there a while longer and they go for another ride. While they’re gone I start to feel weird and just want to go home. So when they get back, I tell them I’m fine and drive away. I get home and start to puke and you know the rest.

Over the next couple of days I receive multiple phone calls from this guy as he pieces together for me his handling of the situation. Bottom line is he spoke to a football player buddy of ours who was at the track. He said I had a concussion and everything would be fine. Additionally, he spoke about how I asked the same question so many times, ‘what happened?’ that he started making up ridiculous stories then would sit back and laugh his head off as I sat there and tried to make sense of it in my stupor. All the other conversations were of the same flavor where he essentially belittled the situation and generally just had a good ole time while I was suffering. Then sent me on my marry way when I had no business driving.

Without getting into more detail, this has been a recurring type of dialogue with him over the past year. I’ve continued to shrug it off but this particular event has really bothered me. You know, I honestly believe some people are better set-up to help out and be generous than others. I’m fortunate in this regard and sincerely enjoy helping people out w/o expectation of reciprocity. But I guess I did expect a little reciprocity here.

My gut feel is I need to give this relationship a break; and find some other MX friends. But I do tend to get overly emotional at times and am not thinking perfectly clear right now. I’d appreciate any feedback.

Thanks in advance

 

[D Lafleur]

Tex,
It appears you already know the answer to the question. We gave old ginster 77 a hard time at dirtweek after his crash, however I had gotten the docs over and he was being attended to as well as we could provide. We did have a little humor in his suffering, however he was coherent and completely in control of his thoughts. I thing that what we did/told him was just fun ribbing between friends. I feel that if your "buddy" is telling you the truth about the events of that day. I would be looking for a better "buddy".

PS Ginster had a broke collar bone and dislocated arm, both not great but much less severe than a concussion. Doc Mike put his arm back and then took care of the pain.

Good Luck.

 

[Timr]

Tex,

I think I would start looking elsewhere. You sound like the type of friend that any person would like to have. However, there are people in this world who don't value freindship in the same way that you or I would. It's got to be a give and recieve type of situation, even if it the giving and recieving aren't equally proportionate. We all know that there are people in the world who just take take take. Usually, they burn through a friendly relationship and then move on to the next person who's willing to fill the role that you should vacate.

I've suffered from three mild concussions in my 18-year riding carreer. They can be scary and must be dealt with seriously. Anytime you loose consiousness or take a hit that hard, the only proper way to handle it is to error on the side of safety. A blow the head that is hard enough to cause the symptoms that you describe could also result in other damage that is not immediatly visible or detectable. You could have suffered some type of internal injury that would require immediate medical assistance.

It's very easy to be a monday morning quaterback in situations like this, but I don't think it's unreasonable for you to expect that your friends load you up and take you to the hospital just to be safe.

That's my .02 worth.

BTW, if I ever make it back to Houston to go riding again, I'll let you know. And, you won't have to work on my bike. :)

 

[MX-727]

Keep in mind that many people don't appreciate the serious nature of a concussion. I know that football players seem to be some of the worst at shrugging off these types of injuries and thinking that they are "no big deal." I'm not defending this guy, but keep in mind that he may just be a bit ignorant and not all that malicious. :)

 

[gwcrim]

Anytime a "friend" is injured, the riding comes to a close and the friend is taken care of. At least that's how I'd handle the situation.

 

[ironworker]

Dear MXTex, At first thought i realized you are exactly like me, I do things for others with little appreciation, I own my own business and I am rather well off so I do things for others when they are in a pinch especially for friends.
You have a problem, a big problem, so far you have never told your friend how you feel and thats the main problem, but your like me in that you feel like why would you have to even say anything to someone that you have treated like gold in the past, I mean you have done things for this guy that only the best of friends do for each other and when its your turn for a little reciprocation you don't get it.

My wife tells me this is one of my biggest faults in life, I let things build up without saying anything to the person who has pissed me off because i feel like they should know the difference between right and wrong, and then I boil over and lose control and never have any dealings with that person again.

IMO the guy is not a friend in the same manner you are to him, You will only have a handful of friends in your entire life that you can trust, for me I have only one, Its entirely up to you if you decide to carry on with the relationship, if it were me I wouldn't, But then again maybe thats why I only have one true friend, the rest are just aqaintences and don't affect my life in the manner you are dealing with.

You could try telling him how you feel, but I would bet a wooden nickle he wouldn't know where you were coming from.


Good Luck

Richard

 

[Patman]

Lots of good advice in here. Don't think I can add much to it except that I also fall in the same category as you guys. It's frustrating when the two way street of being a friend is not split down the middle. The up side is that I bet you will be able to turn up a new riding buddy through DRN, most of the people I consider real friends and even "family" I have met through DRN (sort of crazy huh?).

 

[CaptainObvious]

Anytime a "friend" is injured, the riding comes to a close and the friend is taken care of.

That's the bottom line right there. I don't care if I just paid $50 to ride and the accident happened 1 minute later...it's all about the hurt friend.

Anyone that doesn't act that way doesn't have the same respect for the friendship (relationship) as you do.

Just don't fix his bike anymore....in a few weeks time he wont be riding anymore.

 

[Vic]

Anytime a "friend" is injured, the riding comes to a close and the friend is taken care of. At least that's how I'd handle the situation.

Ditto that.

 

[High Lord Gomer]

That is wrong in so many ways. A real friend wouldn't make fun of you when you are seriously hurt. A real friend also would have taken you to the hospital without hesitation. I've had a few moments I don't remember, but have always had true friends there that took care of me. I have one friend who literally saved my life when I was knocked out and choking on my own blood.

I took a guy from the track in Calhoun back to his family near Atlanta (about an hour) who had similar symptoms. The whole trip the conversation repeated itself every 15-30 seconds. He was parked next to us and his cousin was getting pissed at him for asking the same question over and over. When we realized that, we loaded him and us up, and drove him to his family and told them to take him to the hospital.

I am very lucky, I have more than 50 friends scattered across the country that I know I could call right now, tell them I need them here, and they would be on their way ASAP. They know that I wouldn't ask if I didn't need it and that I would do the same for them. Almost of these friends I have met through DRN.

You just need to associate with different people. Riding with that guy is more dangerous than riding alone!

 

[truespode]

A real friend wouldn't make fun of you when you are seriously hurt.

No but afterwards when you are healing it is fair game!! :eek:

Ivan

 

[Tony Eeds]

Tex:

There is lots of good information and wisdom within this thread.

By the very fact that you are questioning the situation yourself, you already know the answer.

I do not consider myself one to keep score either, but when faced with mounting evidence I am guilty of using multiplication rather than addition when viewing the tally.

As others have said, I too am one to go far out of my way to help others. As Ironworker said, I am also guilty of continuing to ignore the subtle gaffs of others, allowing my frustration to build to a point that I either walk away from a relationship or explode. Neither reaction is particularly effective.

 

[Zoomer]

Right On Gomer!

sounds like your his personal mechanic, he needs to learn more about his bike, as in when he calls, tell him your busy!.
Ignor his calls for awhile, if he stops by to see how you are doing, great. If he doesn't, needles to say he is a free loader! :moon:

 

[mtk]

OK, I have to admit, I've made fun of a friend who've had a concussion at the time. You keep asking them the same question, over and over, and they keep answering it, over and over. Now keep in mind that this was at the racetrack (the roadracing philosophy is that if you're not dead or paralyzed, you'll be fine), he'd already been checked out by the medics, and there were already folks on hand to get him home safely. So we all had a bit of fun with him and then got to remind him about it afterwards, of which he had absolutely no recollection, and that too is part of the fun. But it all goes back to the fact that we all knew he was going to be fine, so a bit of good-natured fun with the Forrest Gump replica did no real harm.

But this goes far, far beyond a bit of good-natured ribbing between friends. You've been this guy's personal mechanic for years and he's never lifted a finger to reciprocate. That's a major red flag right there. You've invested countless hours, and dollars (grease, cleaners, and such aren't free), into his machinery and he's not once returned the favor in any respect. I know if I were the guy getting my bike worked on, I'd be uncomfortable with that situation because I'd feel like I was using that friend for free labor on my bike. That's not how friends treat one another. Yet it doesn't seem to bother him in the least.

I heard a saying once, "Never attribute to malice that which can be explained by ignorance." The concussion incident might fit that criterion. The guy just might be an idiot and didn't realize how serious your concussion really was and how you shouldn't have been driving as a result. But that doesn't explain his behavior the rest of the time. I think the one-sided nature of your "friendship" is one you can probably do without.

 

[Vampyrz]

Tex,

A true friend would not belittle you or any difficult situation you find yourself in.

A true friend is a trustworthy ally, your advocate when you are unable to speak or fend for yourself, a shoulder to cry on, a voice of reason in times of confusion, and a beacon of hope in your darkest hour.

If you feel that this gentleman is any of the above, then you owe it to yourself to speak candidly with him about your misgivings concerning your relationship. Otherwise, I'd kick him to the curb with my size 9 Doc Martin's.

Though I have met none of the people from DRN and am fairly new here, I feel that their advice is worthy of serious consideration. I'd venture to say you have true friends right here that you aren't even aware of.

Be safe...

 

[fng2moto]

you said

quote "But I do tend to get overly emotional at times and am not thinking perfectly clear right now."

Let be underly emotional for you and think very clearly, you weren't lookin for a friend when he found you right? You just crossed paths.

Dump his arse.

No more freebies. See what happens. If he still comes around after a week, month or so, let him be the one to figure it out and make amends with YOU. If he can't figure it out, he must be 10 years old. Anyone here I think would be :worship: to have a friend like you.

Just my 2 cents :cool:

 

[MXTex]

I'm speechless; at a loss for words. All of your thoughts are so mindful and caring. I don't know what to say other than thank you all so very much. I've never been so clear on how to handle a situation such as this. This is truly an incredible community.

 

[Detonator]

This is a great post. There are, unfortunately, such things as "fairweather friends," or people whose affinity for you is in the context of something you do for them.

While it's true that maybe his people skills are just a little rough around the edges, or you aren't teaching him how to treat you (I'm guilty of that, too), it sounds like this accident has really been an opportunity for him to show his true colours. Just by the sense of your words, I get the impression that you would treat a stranger better than your friend treated you.

I guess the easy response is to say "flush him...get another friend," but that's difficult for kind people to do. The real test is to raise the bar a bit; let him call you, instead of the inverse. Be too busy to do things for him for a while. Find a way for him to do you a favour with no strings attached. If he can't step it up, it won't be hard to sever the ties...just stop calling/do things for him, and he'll fade away.

 

[GETMETOCA]

Sometimes friendships outgrow their useful life. You can read a lot into that or interpret it the way you want. I don't think its selfish to decide that a friendship no longer has value, and I'm not talking about "what's in it for me". After what has happened to you, you probably will not feel like giving anymore either.

 

[oldguy]

wow I think it is time to find a safer and truer friend to share your time with. He has the best of all worlds in you- a mechanic, a chauffer, an ambo driver and good freind. What were you getting out of it- used. Anytime anybody shows symptons of a concusion it is time to call it a day and pack it up. Yeah it is common to fool around a bit with the victim but not belittleing or putting him in a dangerous situation. I am a cop and in order to stay sane at times (I have people who will testify I wasn'rt successfull) find myself and others displaying a dark humor but never at risk to anyone else. I have been driven home with broken bones right after starting a days ride by friends that I know would rather be on their bikes then hauling me around but I know they know I would do the same.
I can testify that ginster did get the brunt of kidding for quite a while as it was going before , while and after I got him a figure eight from my camper- BUT it was all in good humor and he was giving it right back. Sometimes that is a test (unknowingly) by the friends which could reveal a worse head injury. If the guy isn't responding appropriately he probably is hurt worse then you realize.

all this said, this really brings some soul searching from me reading these posts. As many know a 12 yr old traveling in our caravan to DW this year was not feeling well when we arrived. The concensus between the adults in our group was a case of cross country truck lag and we figured some food, liquid and sleep would bring him around. We held off medical attention but the next morning when the symptoms were still present with some new we sought out Dr Mike who after an exam proclaimed he needed to be at a hospital now. Long story short he had sufferred a stroke and needed medical attention. Thank fully he is now 95% recoverred but I still question our actions the first 12 hours. This is a bit different because there was no visible trauma and kids as often as not after 15 hours in a car travelling thru the night are goofy the next day but still we missed the ball.

 

[Chili]

At times I can rationalize pretty much any poor behavior by a friend, and with your story I could probably do that for the making jest with the repeated questions as all people handle and react differently to stress and seeing someone they care about get hurt. The one thing that speaks to his true nature for me and the thing that I can't rationalize or get past in this story is the fact that he went out for another ride leaving you unsupervised and then allowed you to drive home. I'm of the same opinion as many others in this thread in that you need to let this cool off some and allow him to work at retaining your true friendship. You already know in your heart how a friend should treat you.

As for the finding new MX friends come out to DW next year and meet some of the incredible folks from this website. If you need to get an idea of what kind of folks you'll get to meet; spend some time in the DW03 and DW04 forums reading my posts regarding thanks from LazyBoy (my Kid who get's hurt alot :| ). You'll get an idea of how great a group we have around here :worship:

 

[BSWIFT]

Anytime a "friend" is injured, the riding comes to a close and the friend is taken care of. At least that's how I'd handle the situation.

Thats the way it should be!
I have suffered injuries while riding and have been fortunate enough to be with good friends. I remember the ribbing during and after and will take it for as long as they care to dish it out because I know they were there for me when I needed help. In the five years that I have been on DRN, I have met some of my BEST friends in life. Some I see fairly regularly and others only occasionally but if they ever call for my help, I will aid them in whatever way I can. Recognizing the seriousness of an injury may require specific training but being concerned only takes caring.
Dave's experience from his job and traveling with kids was not enough to spot the symptoms of a mild stroke but they still showed concern and continued to be observant. Not everyone has medical training but we all have the capacity to show compasion and concern. Being observant only takes your time, no real expertise.

 

[High Lord Gomer]

Recognizing the seriousness of an injury may require specific training but being concerned only takes caring.

Damn, that's a hell of a quote...from a hell of a friend, I might add!

 

[2smoke]

Your call as to whether you flick him or not. My and I buddies run by one rule. If eight riders go out....then eight riders come back. If someone is really badly injured and cannot ride someone stays with them while we get the truck and if that takes till midnight to get it there so be it. Concussion is all too often thought of as a little whack to the head. If you've had a good one and felt the nausea and tunnel vision you would never let someone drive in that condition.

 

[trakkerman]

How is the relationship outside MX? Do you do other things together? Sounds like you don't, considering he is only around for 2% of the repairs on his bike. What does he do the other 98% of the time? Sit at the bar with his friends and talk about how cool his bike is going to look when it comes back from the "shop"? :|

It's time for you to make him carry his own weight and wrenches.

BTW, I will be your riding buddy. I have my own wrenches and know how to use them. :)