Bionic hearing!!

[a454elk]

I've got to flame this but I hope Mrs. Elk doesn't scroll through here! Mrs. Elk must have bionic hearing or something. I know for a fact that she has Fart-dar though. I can sneak into a dark corner of the house, miles away from the ears of my precious other, and release a light, but practical, flatulation. Thinking I'm in the clear, NOT. I hear from across the globe, "NICE, I HEARD THAT YOU KNOW!" I can't get a break no matter what! I try and release the unwanted gas in my own garage area and the sound resinates throuh the heavy solid door right into the ears of Mrs. Elk.

That's not all. She can hear the faintest peep in her new car too! She's had the dealer tear apart her whole suspension looking for one creak! They had to buy a special sound tool that attaches to all parts of the suspension just to find the noise. I can't stand it, it drives me crazy. Even worse is when she gets into MY elk and says, "Wow, can you hear that?" I tell her to just close her ears and leave my elk alone!

OK, I'm done, just needed to SOUND off!!:):)

Creaking Elk in Anaheim

 

[txvintage]

I can't believe he actually confessed to being full of hot air!

 

[a454elk]

I'm not full of it, THAT's the problem! It always escapes at the most inopportune moments. If I ain't paying attention, the prisoners jump out the laundry shute:)

 

[txvintage]

Ahhh, it's a pressure thing. :scream:

The Call of the Elk.................................

 

[a454elk]

Maybe it's a mating call? Mrs. Elk DOES hear it, hmmmmm. I gotta watch some more discovery channel and find out!

 

[txvintage]

Nah, your just trying to mark your territory. That or making sure any other Elks in the area know your a Bull Elk :scream:

 

[IDkTm]

Elk if you're making an elk mating call with your "flatulence" would you mind journeying on up to Idaho this fall and hiking around in the woods with me? In reality I think that might be a sign of some very serious problems, I know If I had this sound coming out of my backside I wouldn't think it normal. http://www.io.com/~benton/fred.html click on the wav file to "experience" the Elkness.

 

[steve125]

Elk, this may turn out to be a real" flame "if she tries to light that thing! That'ill teach ya! :scream: :)

 

[Ol'89r]

Hey Elk.

You better quit farting around and get your smelly butt to Fontana.

You'r gonna miss the first race. :)

 

[KWJams]

Uhhhhhhhh Elk'r,

I too have suffered the same humiliation from the -- "BIONIC HEARING ENABLED!" :( :(

<<--HERE-->> is a small corner of the WWW where help can be found to sort things out by catagories. :cool:

Hope this helps bring tears of joy to your eyes :) not from burning gases either. ;)

 

[a454elk]

This is too much! 89er, I found out we are going tomorrow only:( Oh well, it'll still be fun.

We aren't allowed to have ANY open flames in the house! Very very dangerous.

I ain't goin up to Idaho, Pred scares me, he's way too big!!

Don't think Mrs. Elk is a non-flatulating queen! She never warns me and I always walk right into! Smacks me right in the face like a frying pan! Let me tell you, that smell isn't human my bretheren.

 

[longtime]

I'm sorry, but you deserve it. What the heck are you going and hiding for just so you can rip one?? It's your house, man. You can fart and otherwise mark all you want. When you feel the need, just let 'er blow.

My wife doesn't say "I heard that." She says one of three things: 1) "Gawd! -- what's the matter with you!?"; 2) "Gawd! -- It smells like dog *&^% -- did you fart?"; or 3) "Gawd! Can't you leave the room when you have to do that?! " Each of these, by the way, is likely to be followed by a "what do you think you're teachin' the boys?" My favorite is number 2), for I get to respond: "Awww . . . you're just sayin' that . . ."

But the one thing she doesn't say is: "I heard that coming from the recesses of the walk-in closet where you're hiding behind my dress just so you can try to eek one out."

:moon:

 

[yzeater]

It sounds like elk's wife has him whipped .. admit it

 

[a454elk]

Well, I get whipped here, what's the difference!! :)

Listen LT, I don't hide behind no dress pal!:p I think you're right though, I'm gonna flood tubes 3 and 4 and plot a solution and let her go. I want full safeties so that fish doesn't come back at me! Wish me luck.
Elk

 

[Vic]

Originally posted by a454elk
She never warns me and I always walk right into! Smacks me right in the face like a frying pan! Let me tell you, that smell isn't human my bretheren.

I hear that! There's more to stealth than silence, ladies! WHEW! :scream:

ROTF!

 

[steve125]

Race fuel for my butt fumes are as follows: A hard day of riding followed up by warm beer and lots of jalapeno peppers! :eek: Yikes run don't walk to your nearest exit. :uh: :)

 

[CanadianRidr]

Elk I think you need to go for more "cruises" in the ELK, just roll down her window, BUT make sure before the cruise you are running STRAIGHT off the headers, then just hammer around town for awhile. It will do the trick :aj:

 

[BunduBasher]

Originally posted by a454elk
"NICE, I HEARD THAT YOU KNOW!"

Sorta like mom with eyes in the back of her head Get them hands outta there !

 

[ktmboy]

You think you've got it bad: Mrs. ktm not only has bionic ears, but her nose is bionic too! I can sneak out a real quiet, stealthy one, and I swear she knows as soon as it leaves my oriface, even when she's clear across the room.

We even had to go to a different restaurant than I had planned tonight because I mentioned that the place we were going to had a pot roast special on Saturday nights. Talk about sensitive noses--just the thought of me being gassy gets her in a dander! :eek:

 

[BunduBasher]

Elk whatsup buddy, first the beans joke and now this - Methinks you have a case of Gas Gas envy :moon:

 

[70 marlin]

Better to fart and bare the shame! than not to fart and bare the pain! be proud!

 

[a454elk]

Ah, words to live by. My problem is that there's two exits, no waiting! I think the funniest bubble experience I had is when we first got our puppy. I was playing with him on the couch while holding him on my lap. Mrs. Elk took off to some other portion of the house so I seized the moment and let slip a tiny bubble. Unfortunately, Mrs. Elk returned way too soon and went straight to give the puppy a hug, while it was still on my lap. Are you with me boys? She jumped back from the puppy and said, "PEEEEUUUUU, you've got poopoo breath!" I couldn't hold it any longer and busted out laughing. Let's just say that Mrs. Elk didn't enjoy the tiny bubble of joy!

I think the reason they smell so bad is cause they pass over and around a chambered round verses being pushed out by one, just my .02 :)

 

[zio]

Oh, a topic dear to my heart!

poor, poor zia. I've been a bit gassy, since about 1994. My problem is that now she's started demanding I leave the room to blow-dry my shorts. This is most inconveniencing during a good tv show or game.

In our new car, the power windows have a switch that turns them on & off :p Unfortunatley I wore that out to death in a few days, so now I don't dare leave them locked during the initial investigation-sniffing period. I either blow the hatches right away or face the firing squad.

The good news is zia has been quite understanding of the well-written rule that women don't _ _ _ _. I don't even want to type the word in this sentence, let alone say it. I once had a cute girl tell me she liked the smell of her own. She went from Julia Roberts to Julia Childs in nothin flat. Ruined me for a long time. :whiner:

 

[BSWIFT]

Elk, you need to join the Heartland Spodes. Sounds like you are Member quality!

 

[BadgerMan]

Elk! How long have you and Mrs. Elk been married? Apparently she has not grown to appreciate your special "talent" yet!