AssClown SuperPowers
Damn Yankees
Aug 2, 2000
an oldie but a goodie . . .

Two guys walk into a lumberyard. They tell the guy running it that they need some 2x4s.

The owner asks, "How long you want 'em?"

The two guys look at each other, and one of 'em says "Well, probably for quite a while, since we're gonna build a house."



AssClown SuperPowers
Damn Yankees
Aug 2, 2000
Okay, okay . . .

Two rednecks are out hunting. After a long day of climbing steep hillsides and beating through the brush, one of them grabs his chest and collapses.

The other guy gets out his cellular phone and dials 911. The operator asks him "What is your emergency?"

"It's my buddy!" says the redneck. "I'm pretty sure he just died of a heart attack!"

"Calm down," says the operator. "First we should determine if he's really dead."

"Okay," says the redneck.

A shot rings out.

Then the redneck asks "Now what do I do?"



AssClown SuperPowers
Damn Yankees
Aug 2, 2000
Okay, that one has obviously made the rounds, but this one hasn't--yet!

An old hermit decides to head into town to buy himself some supplies. When he gets to town he sees this giant store called WAL-MART (mind you, he's been in the woods a long time).

He goes in and has a look at all the bright shiny merchandise. He gets back to the hardware department and sees these newfangled inventions called "chainsaws" (like I said, he's been in the woods a looooong time). The department manager comes up to him and asks "Can I help you?"

"Sure, young feller," says the old timer, "I been a-lookin' at these here chain-sawers. What can you tell me about them?"

"Well," says the manager "These are some fine pieces of equipment. How many cord of wood can you cut in a day?"

"Sheeeeoooot, I can get out my bucksaw an' pile me up at least two cord a day," says the old timer.

"Well sir, I guarantee you can double that if you get you one of these here chainsaws," says the manager.

"You gotcherself a sale!" says the Hermit.

A couple weeks later, the Hermit goes back to Wal Mart and looks for the same manager. "Hey there young feller! This here sawer don't work like you said it would, an' I'm a-wantin' my money back!"

"Let me have a look at that," said the manager, and he pulled the cord and fired up the saw.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!!!!!" screamed the Hermit!

<shave and a haircut, two bits!>


Jan 30, 2000
The Blonde Handyman...

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a
handyman type person and started canvassing a well-to-do neighborhood. She
went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any
jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she
might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her
husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the

The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."

A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Neil Wig

Jun 22, 2000
Great One Liner....I think anyhow...

Women want to be swept off their feet.
Since I don't care how they get off their feet, sweeping will do.


AssClown SuperPowers
Damn Yankees
Aug 2, 2000
Two good ol' boys were standing on a bridge, relieving themselves.

One says "Water's sure cold."

The other says "Deep, too."



Jan 30, 2000
I'll see your river and raise you.....

Students at the UH Med School were receiving their first anatomy
class with a real dead human body. They are all gathered around the
surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. Then the
professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it is
necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is
that it is necessary that you not be disgusted."

The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the butt of the
dead body, withdrew it and sucked it. "Go ahead and do the same
thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns,
sunk their finger in the butt of the dead body and sucked it after
withdrawing it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them:
"The second important quality is observation. I sunk the middle
finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people!!!"


May 16, 2001
<Rodney Dangerfield voice on>

I call up this girl and she says "come on over, nobody's home". So I went over, nobody was home!

My dog don't even give me no respect. He's always staring at the door. He don't want to go outside, he wants me to leave!

I tell ya, I don't get no respect.

<Rodney Dangerfield voice off>


How did Pinocchio discover he was made of wood?
SOOoooo many possibilities there!:eek:

*Rodney Dangerfield voice back on*
My wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right!
(I think I'll leave the voice on through tomorrow;) )


Nov 4, 2000
I have a couple bad ones . . .

My wife's cooking is so bad . . . all the flys chipped in for a screen door!

My mom was amazingly thrifty with food. She raised the family on leftovers for practically 22 years. The original meal has neer been found!

Top 3 blonde inventions:
  1. pedal powered wheelchair
  2. inflatable dart board
  3. waterproof towel


There's a "Yo momma's so fat/ugly/old/etc." site out there somewhere that has some funny stuff!

Here's an oldie but goodie that I remember:

"Your momma's so fat, that when she dances she makes the band skip!":scream:


Jan 27, 2000
There was this guy that had this pet chicken. He really liked his chicken and he took it everywhere he went. One day he tried to take his chicken to the movies. He walked up the window of the movie theater with his chicken and asked to buy two tickets.

The girl at the ticket counter said, you cant take your chicken into the theater, we don't allow animals.

So the man went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He walked back up to the window and purchased one ticket and went inside.

When he got inside, he sat down and unzipped his pants so the chicken could see the movie. There were two older ladies sitting next to the man and one of them said to the other one, this man next to me unzipped his pants and there are some very strange things going on over there.

The other lady said, Oh big deal, if you've seen one you've seen them all. The first lady then said. Yes, I know, but, this one is eating my popcorn.

Old CR goat

Sponsoring Member
Nov 10, 2000
Originally posted by bbbom
Hhheeerrreee Kkkiiiwwwiii Dear!!!:p

So, how many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?

It doesn't matter cause they don't get the house anyways!!!! :confused:

Now that was just mean!

Know how to put a twinkle in a blonde's eye?

shine a light in her ear:)


Zio has a point here.

**BigLou Edit**

Let me replace it with this:

Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
A: Because if it had four doors, it'd be a sedan!!! (coop/coupe):)
Last edited by a moderator:


Damn Yankees
Nov 21, 2000
Actually the light bulb joke was:

How many divorcee's does it TAKE to screw in a light bulb?

Two small ones.:)


Sponsoring Member<BR>Club Moderator
Damn Yankees
Oct 13, 1999
An old man is sitting on his front porch and spots this kid walking by with a spool of wire.

“Hey kid, whacha’ doin’ with that wire?”

“This here’s chicken wire.”

“Whacha gonna do with it?”

“I’m gonna git me some chickens.”

An hour later the kid walks by carrying two chickens.

The next day the old man is sitting on his front porch again and the same kid walks by carrying a roll of tape.

“Hey kid, whacha’ doin’ with that tape?”

“This here’s duck tape.”

“Whacha gonna do with it?”

“I’m gonna git me some ducks.”

An hour later the kid walks by carrying two ducks.

The next day the old man is again sitting on his front porch when the kid walks by carrying flowers.

“Hey kid, whacha’ doin’ with them flowers?”

“These here are p ussywillows.”

“Hold on, I’ll get my hat!”



May 16, 2001
Two guys are walking their dogs down the street, and come up to a bar...

Guy 1: "Hey, I sure would love a beer. Wanna go in?"

Guy 2: "Sure, but what are we going to do with the dogs? "

Guy 1: "Just watch me and do what I do..."

Guy 1 goes up to the doorman and is stopped.

Dooman: "Sorry sir, you can't bring a dog in here."

Guy1: "But it's my seeing-eye dog"

Doorman doesn't want any trouble so he lets him go in.

Guy 2 get's up to the door...

Doorman: "Sorry sir, we can't let you in with a dog."

Guy2: "but it's my seeing eye dog"

Doorman isn't buying it: "Yeah right, you have a seeing-eye chihuahua?"

Guy2: "They gave me a freaking CHIHUAHUA???"
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