Thursday (my Friday!) humor

XRpredator

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#1
an oldie but a goodie . . .

Two guys walk into a lumberyard. They tell the guy running it that they need some 2x4s.

The owner asks, "How long you want 'em?"

The two guys look at each other, and one of 'em says "Well, probably for quite a while, since we're gonna build a house."

<rimshot!>
 

XRpredator

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#3
Okay, okay . . .

Two rednecks are out hunting. After a long day of climbing steep hillsides and beating through the brush, one of them grabs his chest and collapses.

The other guy gets out his cellular phone and dials 911. The operator asks him "What is your emergency?"

"It's my buddy!" says the redneck. "I'm pretty sure he just died of a heart attack!"

"Calm down," says the operator. "First we should determine if he's really dead."

"Okay," says the redneck.

A shot rings out.

Then the redneck asks "Now what do I do?"

<ba-dum-bum!>
 

KiwiBird

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#5
I'm too slow!
 
Last edited:

XRpredator

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#6
Okay, that one has obviously made the rounds, but this one hasn't--yet!

An old hermit decides to head into town to buy himself some supplies. When he gets to town he sees this giant store called WAL-MART (mind you, he's been in the woods a long time).

He goes in and has a look at all the bright shiny merchandise. He gets back to the hardware department and sees these newfangled inventions called "chainsaws" (like I said, he's been in the woods a looooong time). The department manager comes up to him and asks "Can I help you?"

"Sure, young feller," says the old timer, "I been a-lookin' at these here chain-sawers. What can you tell me about them?"

"Well," says the manager "These are some fine pieces of equipment. How many cord of wood can you cut in a day?"

"Sheeeeoooot, I can get out my bucksaw an' pile me up at least two cord a day," says the old timer.

"Well sir, I guarantee you can double that if you get you one of these here chainsaws," says the manager.

"You gotcherself a sale!" says the Hermit.

A couple weeks later, the Hermit goes back to Wal Mart and looks for the same manager. "Hey there young feller! This here sawer don't work like you said it would, an' I'm a-wantin' my money back!"

"Let me have a look at that," said the manager, and he pulled the cord and fired up the saw.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!!!!!" screamed the Hermit!

<shave and a haircut, two bits!>
 

KiwiBird

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#7
The Blonde Handyman...

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a
handyman type person and started canvassing a well-to-do neighborhood. She
went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any
jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she
might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her
husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the
house?"

The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."

A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two
coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
 

Neil Wig

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#9
Great One Liner....I think anyhow...

Women want to be swept off their feet.
Since I don't care how they get off their feet, sweeping will do.
 

XRpredator

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#10
Two good ol' boys were standing on a bridge, relieving themselves.

One says "Water's sure cold."

The other says "Deep, too."

:eek:
 

KiwiBird

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#11
I'll see your river and raise you.....

Students at the UH Med School were receiving their first anatomy
class with a real dead human body. They are all gathered around the
surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. Then the
professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it is
necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is
that it is necessary that you not be disgusted."

The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the butt of the
dead body, withdrew it and sucked it. "Go ahead and do the same
thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns,
sunk their finger in the butt of the dead body and sucked it after
withdrawing it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them:
"The second important quality is observation. I sunk the middle
finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people!!!"
 

KLX4smoke

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#12
<Rodney Dangerfield voice on>

I call up this girl and she says "come on over, nobody's home". So I went over, nobody was home!


My dog don't even give me no respect. He's always staring at the door. He don't want to go outside, he wants me to leave!

I tell ya, I don't get no respect.

<Rodney Dangerfield voice off>
 

biglou

#15
How did Pinocchio discover he was made of wood?
SOOoooo many possibilities there!:eek:

*Rodney Dangerfield voice back on*
My wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right!
(I think I'll leave the voice on through tomorrow;) )