Completely Off Topic - DIVORCE

[CR_Dave]

I realize this is completely off topic, but not real far because it is impacting my kids. I am in the process of a bitter divorce. The ex had an affair for 2 years. Apparently she was then tired of taking care of me from a recent mx injury.

Recently, she is ot permitting my 6 yea old to go to the races and race. He loves to ride and motorcycles are his favorite. He never read Barney or other kids books. He always goes to sleep with a RacerX magazine. Currently she has legal custody until the courts decide in March as to the final say.

She has just been viscous. In Aug 2002 she beat me with a cell phone and gave me a nasty concussion. She got hauled of to jail. I have never and will never hit a woman -- even her. It just is not right. I took my beating.

Since then, she has put me though so much frivolous litigation. I go to jail to get arraigned before kids events, or my visitation with them. I don't understand her anger with all this. My focus is the kids and I do not do any of this crap back to her. I hope the legal system comes through for me and the children. The laws seem to favor the women in PA regardless of their behavior.

Any of you going through similar situations? It is a tough thing and friends help out a lot.

 

[Moteaux]

I have never been married or divorced myself, only been the kid watching it go on with the parents. Without knowing the all the details, and I will not ask you to share them all here, is keep your head up and be the best father and man that you can. You sound like you are doing that at this time. You have a great support group here and feel free to vent your frustrations, heck you can email me privately at [email protected] and vent if you want to. I will keep you and and you children in my prayers. Good luck.

Randy

 

[ktmboy]

Dave, I've never been through a divorce, and hope I never have to go through with that. But I have gone through the last three years of struggling to keep things together while we worked through some things, and it seems that most females will do some pretty terrible things to let you know they are angry.

I would encourage you to continue to do the right thing and to keep your focus on the kids right now, because in the long-haul it will pay off, and anything you might be tempted to do right now in retaliation can come back to bite you later.

There are a few guys on this board that have been through the whole bitter divorce scenario that I'm sure can give you some good advice right now. I just wanted to encourage you and let you know that you have a support group here! :thumb:

 

[Senior KX Rider]

moved

 

[OKKX'er]

Hang in there, it will get better. I applaud your efforts to focus on the good of the children. I had to pack and move out while my 7 year old daughter sat crying by the door. She is now 13 and we see each other every other day. Divorce is not good, but it's easier on today's kids as it is so common among their peers. I seems that there is a bias toward the mother, sad to say. In OKla., the child's opionion is not considered until age 12. You and your son have many years ahead of you. As bad as things may be today, don't do anything without thinking of the future.
Even if you have to wait a few years, that still leaves all the years after that for you and your son. Be strong, and the best of wishes.

 

[JuliusPleaser]

I can sympathize with you, Dave. I just went through two years of the same crap.

After ten years of misery, I finally left my ex when she delivered an ultimatum. She told me she wanted the option to have a baby or a divorce. I moved out. I did everything in my power to keep our divorce amicable, and everything was fine until I went out with a group of her former co-workers.

Since that night, she has lied to me, lied about me, committed perjury in court, refused to sign car titles that were in both our names, refused to honor her financial commitments, charged services to my charge accounts, confronted women I dated, and performed countless other senseless, vindictive acts.

I finally got her out of my life completely last November. Every day I wake up and smile. . .knowing that she's making some other poor ******* miserable. :thumb:

It's going to be a tough road ahead. If you need to talk about it, email me at [email protected]

 

[Fark]

Yep, I used to work at a ma and pa pizza shop. She lied about alot of things; he (the owner) paid for her college tuition; she still claimed in court that he was holding her back from becoming what she wanted.

To top it off; she hit him where it hurt, and fought hard to not let him have custody. It goes without saying the impact of this on him. I was 16-19 while all this was going on; I wanted to help but all I could do was listen. I can't offer any real advice. All I can say is it's all too common and mothers like this should never have kids or get married in the first place. Someone mentioned the karma credit plan. I think that's the best you could hope for. I don't have much experience with it so I don't know. But I hope the best for you and your son.

 

[Bill Beard]

Yeah-- keep your head up and defenses too. Don't let that b***h use your son to get to you either. I've been divorced from my 1st ex for more than 20 years and she still thinks she can tell me what to do (when she could get me to talk to her). I won't give her the time of day. Just keep a good relationship going with your son and some day he'll be with you.

 

[OnAnySunday]

Originally posted by OKKX'er :
"Divorce is not good, but it's easier on today's kids as it is so common among their peers."

No, it's NOT any easier on kids today.
It's more common, but not any easier.
Kid's go through hell, and a lot of us "old timers" have no idea of it.
My parents were married over 40 years, and it was "till death do us part" when pap passed away last november.
My son had a rough time of it when my 1st wife and i broke up.
Probably the only reason we lasted as long as we did (13 1/2 years) was that i didnt want to become a "statistic" in this modern through away marriage world.
(after she started slingin knives at me, i decided to agree with her and call it quits.) (no, im not exagerating.)
And to make matters worse, not even 2 years later i did it again! :|
I thought my son (then 13) and #2 would get along being as she is a teacher.
Pfffftt! :think:
Should have stayed single and concentrated more energy on the kid.
He turned out pretty well regardless.
He has a decent job and pays his own way through college.
Even bought himself a car!
And yea, he babies it.
He says he had alot of support from other kids going through the same thing, but it didnt make the bottom line any better. :( :whiner:

 

[CR_Dave]

All, don't get me wrong. There are always 2 sides to a story. Also, I am sure just as many women are in the same situation I am or any of you. Something caused her to have the affair. Maybe I did not show enough love. But I have stopped trying to figure that out a long time ago. The focus is the kids. In fact, if that means having to give into the mother for their happiness at times, then that will be it.

A lot of the advice I have received over the past year is that it will get better. The boys will grow up and see through all of this. I hope that is the case.

It is damaging to the kids. And that hurts. Hurts worse than any MX inury imaginable.

I know I can't and don't want to control what she does or who she is with. But it aches to know that her focus is to destroy me and my career. She has beentrying to alienate me from the kids through malicous litigation. If she put as much time into them, I would feel metter abou her ability to mother. The kids grades have dropped dramatically, they are very vulgar and angry toward another. They are not allowed to see any of my family that is so close to them. Well, I guess they are allowed, she just does not let them.

I have been put in jail on arraignment for sending the kids an email about their puppy, attending the kid's art show with my sister, and running into her at Blockbuster not knowing she was there. I have a hearing on Wednesday. I could do up 6 months for each of these. Imagine having a conversation with you kids about having to go away for a while. Exactly what she wants, the kids to think their Dad left them. I let them know that is not the case if it happens. No matter what, Mom and Dad love them.

Oh well, sorry for dumping so much out, but it feels good.

I will post an interesting article about this malicous behavior from a pshycologist point of view. It is so bad that they had to name it "Malicous Mother Syndrome"

Thanks,

Dave

 

[CR_Dave]

This article is all over the web. Just do a search on "Malicous Mother Syndrome"

Trying to be unbias, this could easily be Malicous Father Syndrome , but the stats show it is primarily the women. Sorry to the women out there - no offense.

http://fathersrightsinvestigations.com/maliciousmother.asp

 

 

[CR_Dave]

Commitment used to mean a lot to people. It still does to me, whether it be marriage or anything else you put your mind to. I put all my efforts and tried everything to get us through this as a couple. But I can always tell my kids I did everything I could. But it does take two.

Now my commitment is my two boys.

 

[dmp437]

I feel for ya, hand in there. It's tough when you know you're right and the legal system can't "get it". Check out these folks: http://www.mens-divorce.com/ I don't know if they can help you in your state or not, but they may have some useful info.

 

[CR_Dave]

PS - i need all of your prayers to get through the hearing on Wednesday. I hope the truth prevails.

 

[Lespaul20]

I think all of you guy are great for posting. I wish you well cr. I'm young, 20, and was wondering why you (all of those who divorced) even got married in the first place? I understand you get caught up in the love, but why don't people find out if there more compatiable before the kids. I has to be hell on them. I'm not saying you guy are dumb, but just courious.
Again, cr dave good luck with everything.

 

[CR_Dave]

Originally posted by Lespaul20
I think all of you guy are great for posting. I wish you well cr. I'm young, 20, and was wondering why you (all of those who divorced) even got married in the first place? I understand you get caught up in the love, but why don't people find out if there more compatiable before the kids. I has to be hell on them. I'm not saying you guy are dumb, but just courious.
Again, cr dave good luck with everything.

LesPaul,

Getting married is not a bad thing. It is something that can go bad without good communication. I was married for 11 years and have no regrets. We dated and were together for 4 before that. The kids were planned, divorce is not. Divorce has become an acceptable standard in today's society. Not to mention very lucrative in the legal community. I loved my wife through all of those years, but she is a different person.

60% of today's marriages end up in divorce. the stats on what happens to the kids is sickening. I won't even quote the suicides, drug use, etc of children in divorces.

If you look for everything that could go wrong up front, you would find something to shut it off. The key is being able to communicate and remain committed to one another. I could have dealt and gotten over her having an affair because of commitment to her and the kids.

I feel bad for people and friends of mine that avoid getting married because of my situation. I encourage people to learn from it. Marriage can be a very happy place, as it was for me.

 

[Jeff Gilbert]

Keep your head up Dave. I've been divorced over 10 years and have custody of my one & only 11 year old daughter. I too tried to work through the cheating, on 2 occassions that I know of, wife but there comes a time when enough is enough. I was able to convince her when the divorce was final that we must get along for the childs sake, we will be dealing with one another until the day one of us dies. The only person to loose is the child by us not being civil.
Since our divorce she's on her 2nd marriage since me with numerous b/f in between (not sure if there were any during ;) ) . I liked both her husbands after me, I seem to get along better with them than her and it pisses her off. The thing that irritates me is she clings to our past relationship when convient to her. She tries to confied in me, asks favors, buys me things from time to time and then jumps down my throat out of the blue. She just goes off. The freakiest thing was after she remarried the last time, her husband and she bought the house accross the street from me against my wishes. Her logic was it would be good for the kid. Most of the time it's tollerable but this weekend Tigger went to her house Sat morning while I engineered sound in Fort Worth for a band during the afternoon. I made it back home about 6:30pm. While I was gone she had taken my daughter to the eye doctor and got glasses. When I got home I walked accross the street to take a look and was accused of being jelous of her spending time with "mom." After being all but cussed when I asked why she couldn't be civil, her responce was "I could be but I'm not gonna be!" I spouted off a few choice words and left. I made a poor choice because my kid was standing there but like I said earlier, sometimes a person can only take so much.

I wish you luck and if you need to talk I'm here as well. Most people don't agree when I say this but it's how I made sence of it all. what ever she did, at the time she did it, was in fact the right thing to do at the time she did it. I say this because no one in thier right mind would intentionally do anything that was not right for them, would they? I find peace in knowing that I did everything I could possibly do before it was time to bail. I wish I never had to look at her again but I know that's not going to happen because she is the other parent. I have a good kid that is wise beyond her years and can see what really goes on. I also have a good track record as a parent so I'm not worried about loosing my kid to the courts.

 

[Clutch]

Not to veer off-topic, but how many of you guys, knowing what you know now about marriage and the vindictiveness of women, would have gotten a pre-nup? I know it doesn't really prevent a custody battle over kids if you don't have kids yet when you write up the pre-nup, but I'm reminded of the episode of Seinfeld where George is trying to get out of an engagement to a women he's not in love with and Kramer says :

"Okay, you really wanna get out of this? I've got two words for you, buddy- Pre-Nup."

"What?"

"Ask her to sign a pre-nup. Most women get so offended, they back out of the marriage altogether."

Also, what can you older guys tell me about determining the class and integrity of a woman while dating her? I'm 21, and looking for a nice girl, not a straight-up nun, but someone who's not a slut, and I don't date much at all since there's so much trash out there. I wish someone would invent a character meter, like a stud finder you point at the wall to find studs. You point the character meter at a girl, and you can instantly tell whether she's good to the core, or it's all just a front.

 

[BSWIFT]

Great advice, Jeff G.  Hang in there CR_Dave.  BTDT :( .

 

[Jeff Gilbert]

Clutch, my guess is a pre-nup is for very specific situations, I don't believe marriage is something that should be entered with an automatic out built in. Hell I wouldn't marry a girl that requested a pre-nup, I don't think it's what marriage is about. Then again my failed marriage wasn't about properties. I think back to the movie "The Breakfast Club" when the girl said "it's inevitable, when you gorw up your soul dies and you become like your parents." I don't agree with the soul dieing bit but I do agree that you do become like your parents. My advice is to get to know the parents because that's what the kids know, it's what they will become. Another movoe line I like is from the movie " Tuff Turf." In that one the dad says " life is not a problem to be solved, it's an adventure to be lived." If you both can look at it that way then who doesn't like a good adventure? Make the most of it, we're all scewed up a little.

 

[Tony Eeds]

CR
Like everyone said, hang in there. I applaud your understanding that there are two sides to ever issue and neither position will ultimately benefit either of your (yours or hers) relationships with your children. Those discussions are better left for times when the kids are not around. Love and security is what they NEED now.
I was divorced from the mother of my children over 20 years ago and we had multiple layers of tension between us for many years, but we tried to keep it between us and not drag the kids into it.
That being said, both children suffered, that I am sure. There have been many ups and downs in our relationships with my kids, but as they approach 30 this year, we are finding that we have many things in common. Additionally, I now see/talk with their mother almost weekly.
Who know, my kids may chime in with their opinions .. they are both members of the site!
I will say a special prayer for peace on Wednesday.
Tony

 

[MikeT]

Originally posted by CR_Dave
I have been put in jail on arraignment for sending the kids an email about their puppy, attending the kid's art show with my sister, and running into her at Blockbuster not knowing she was there. I have a hearing on Wednesday. I could do up 6 months for each of these.

I am very confused..... Why are you possibly being thrown or have been thrown in jail for an email or bumping into her at a video store? Have you been violent towards her in the past? Jail time for an email? Help me understand this... :think:

 

[ochster]

CR-Dave, My exposure to this topic, has shown the quality (price) of your attorney, makes a difference. I have seen female attorney's, do wonders, especially with other unreasonable females. I know of a few in my area, that particularly specialize in such cases. They are discerning on who they represent, and they are expensive. But there records of success, and preserving some sanity, are near perfect. I figure your going to pay anyway, you might as well get some performance for your buck. After all, this is setting the tone for the rest of your relationship/relationships. I would be interviewing some expensive female attorneys, then let her loose.... "there all sisters".

 

[Jaybird]

I'm not sure about Dave's situation, Mike...but if there is a restraining order, you can't go near or try to contact the holder of the order. Meaning letters, phone calls, e-mails, or any sort of contact without it being from legal counsul can get you in hot water fast.

Dave,
I am a statistic. I was married 6 years to my first wife and we had two lovely daughters together. She was mean and nasty, to say the least.
Bottom line, I got custody of my two girls (female judge no less) and have enjoyed nearly 11 years with my current lovely wife.

Be vigilant and understanding as to what is best for the kids.
Badmouthing the other in court doesn't help matters. Try to offer suggestions such as anger management for the X. Courts love that sort of talk and thinking.
See if there is a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) program in your court district. This program involves people who will investigate the whole situation without bias. They usually report directly to the judge of the matter and give him the lowdown on the REAL situation. Sometimes the best lawyer who has the best voice wins these cases. The CASA system takes a bit of that unfairness away. The courts also love it when you suggest such an advocate be brought in. Tends to make you look like you have faith in their system.
Child Protection Sevices and opposing lawyers HATE the CASA's, but they are the best thing to happen to court systems....check it out. Be warned, it's usually older ladies who aren't afraid to show up unannounced whether it be at home, school, or anywhere. They don't get paid a dime, but their input can be priceless.

 

Here is a link to the CASA programs in PA. I'm not sure if any of them are in your area, but I would check out this site heavily and ask your lawyer about them. My wife is a CASA, and if you want more info I'd be glad to help. PM me anytime.

http://www.casanet.org/_ncasa/index.asp

It wouldn't allow me to post the state link, so just type in Penn. and the page will show.

 

[sigar]

Hang in there CR Dave. I wish you the best.

I'm getting married in 60 days. I hope I'm the other half of that 60% divorce statistic. Wish me luck. Lots of good perspectives and advice here.

Again, Dave, good luck.